patrushev humour

Her first period...

2011-08-15T01:28:00.000-07:00

http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/ed64755ab1/her-first-period

http://www.russiantranslate.org/

http://www.russian-translation.com.au/

Good fun: brain biological age !!! биологический возраст мозгa!!!

2011-03-09T01:07:00.000-08:00

Yuri Shenderovich
נושא: биологический возраст мозгa

Попытайтесь запомнить цифры, которые появятся на долю секунды.
Когда цифры исчезнут (а это случится быстро), нажимайте на кружки в порядке
возрастания чисел.

По окончании теста вы увидите биологический возраст ваших мозгов.

(Учтите, что первые цифры 3, 2, 1 - это лишь отсчет времени,
т.е. сколько секунд осталось перед показом картинки с цифрами.)

Yuri Shenderovich
נושא: biological age brain

Try to memorize the numbers that appear for a split second.
When the numbers disappear (and it happens quickly), click on the circles in order of
increasing numbers.

At the end of the test, you will see the biological age of your brain.

(Note that the first digits 3, 2, 1 - it's just timing,
ie how many seconds left before showing a picture with numbers.)

http://flashfabrica.com/f_learning/brain/brain.html

Где работаешь? В ЖОПе???

2011-03-04T20:57:00.000-08:00

С сегодняшнего дня вступает всилу закон о полиции.... in Russia....:

С сегодняшнего дня вступает в силу закон о полиции.... дальше
копирую.. так как писать такое ни рука ни язык не поворачивается.
Cейчас рассматриваются варианты:

1. Полицейский инспектор дорожного и общественного контроля (ПИДОК)
2. Полицейское Управление Патрульно-Постовой Службы (ПУППС)
3. Отдел Полиции Соблюдения Общественного Спокойствия (ОПСОС)
4. Полицейский Инспектор Защиты Детства и Юношества (ПИЗДЮН)
5. Полицейский Инспектор Службы Контроля за Автотранспортом (ПИСКА)
6. Полицейские Инспекторы Дорожного Регулирования (ПИДР)
7. Полицейская Дорожно-Регулировочная Служба (ПДРС)

С 1 марта участковые будут называться сотрудниками участковой
квартальной инспекции сокращенно СУКИ...ГИБДДшники будут называться
полицейский инспектор дорожного регулирования сокращенно ПИДР....а
вместо ГАИ будет государственная единая инспекция - ГЕИ, не повезло
еще Железнодорожному Отделению полиции!!! Где работаешь???? в ЖОПе.

Эту страну не победить!!!

Я пью, чтобы сделать других людей интереснее...

2011-02-28T16:14:00.000-08:00

Сколько времени и сил нужно потерять мужчине, чтобы воспользоваться минутной слабостью женщины?..

Жена в слезах говоpит мужу:
- Я две недели твеpдила тебе, что мне ничего не надо даpить на день pождения, а ты все pавно пpо него забыл!
Больного после операции выписывают домой. Врач ему говорит:
- Так, никакого курения, пить ни в коем случае, спать не менее 8 часов в день...
- А половой жизнью...?
- Да, но только с женой. Возбуждаться - это для вас смерть.

Встречаются друзья:
- Сёма, ты знаешь, я развожусь с женой. Она уже полгода со мной не разговаривает.
- Ну что ты, Фима, одумайся! Где ты ещё найдёшь такую жену?

Умный человек всегда знает, что ему нужно, а мудрый знает ещё и зачем ему это.

Только женщина может упрекать мужчину в бездушии, предварительно душу из него вынув.

Исход евреев из страны - к развалу империи (египетская народная примета)

Она посмотрелась в зеркало и поставила на стол еще одну бутылку водки.

Вот говорят, что хороший любовник это тот, после секса с которым обессиленная женщина сразу же засыпает. На самом деле они - слабаки. У меня женщины засыпают еще во время секса!

Если жена разбила чашку, то это к счастью, а если ты, то у тебя руки из жопы...

- Абрам, а что будет, если ты нарушишь одну из десяти заповедей?
- Останется еще девять.

Удачная женитьба - это когда мужчина чувствует себя рядом с женщиной так же хорошо, как если бы он был один.

Воспитание - процесс устранения ваших личных недостатков у своих детей.

- Господи, моя жена такая дура, такая дура! Спасибо тебе, Господи!

Не жалуйтесь на судьбу. Ей, может быть, с вами тоже не очень приятно.

Я пью, чтобы сделать других людей интереснее.

Грузин - это звание, еврей - это призвание, цыган - это профессия, а русский - это судьба.
Женщина - слабое, беззащитное существо, от которого невозможно спастись.

Как для детей ни старайся, больше раза в год они на кладбище приходить не будут.

Нет более парадоксальной фразы, чем "Я отдала ему свои лучшие годы!" С одной стороны, дама сокрушается о годах, проведенных в браке с "этим козлом", а с другой стороны, она признаёт, что эти-то годы и были самыми лучшими в её жизни.

Вoпpoc - Кто самые-самые оптимисты в мире?
Ответ - Евреи... они еще не знают, до какого размера это вырастет, а уже обрезают...

http://www.flixxy.com/pet-penguin-goes-shopping.htm

2011-02-14T14:46:00.000-08:00

http://www.flixxy.com/pet-penguin-goes-shopping.htm

Одомашеный пенгвин

Этот 10 летний королевский пингвин был спасен из рыбацкой сети и отказался
затем покинуть спасателей после того, как он был вылечен.Он был принят семьей
в маленьком городке в Японии и стал домашним любимцем, у которого есть его
персональная кондиционированная холодная комната. Лала такой толковый - он
ходит каждый день за рыбой в рыбный магазин с маленьким рюкзаком.

A pet penguin

This 10-years old Royal penguin was caught in a fisherman’s net, but was saved and finally has recovered. After that, he refused to leave his rescuers and was adopted by a family leaving in a small Japanese town where it became a family pet. He even has his own refregirated room. Lala (his name) is very smart: every day carrying a small backpack he walks to a fish store to get a fish for his dinner.

2010-10-22T17:43:00.000-07:00

Russian jokes

Russian jokes (Russian: анекдо́ты (transcribed anekdoty), literally anecdotes), the most popular form of Russian humour, are short fictional stories or dialogues with a punch line.

Russian joke culture includes a series of categories with fixed and highly familiar settings and characters. Surprising effects are achieved by an endless variety of plots. Russian jokes are on topics found everywhere in the world, be it sex, politics, spouse relations, or mothers-in-law. This article discusses Russian joke subjects that are peculiar to Russian or Soviet culture.

Every category has a host of untranslatable jokes that rely on linguistic puns, wordplay, and Russian's vocabulary of foul language. Below, (L) marks jokes whose humor value critically depends on untranslatable features of the Russian language.

A huge category is Russian political jokes. See more above link.

When you rearrange the letters...

2010-10-20T00:28:00.000-07:00

Someone out there either has too much spare time or is deadly at Scrabble.
(Wait till you see the last one)!

DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE

GAUTENG:

When you rearrange the letters:

GET A GUN

THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letter:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

Bet your friends haven't seen this one!!!
DON'T FORGET TO SHARE THIS

Oil change men vs women...

2010-10-08T18:42:00.000-07:00

Oil Change instructions for Women:

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent:
Oil Change $20.00
Coffee $1.00
Total $21.00

Oil Change instructions for Men:

1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00..
2) Stop by 7 - 11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20....00, drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in
process. Cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms.
Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener.
18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it back to Kragen to recycle.
19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.
21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to
gasket surface.
23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.
27) Drink beer.
28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily
dirt into hole. Steal sand from kids sandbox to cleverly cover oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas.
29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw
kitty litter on oil spill.
30) Drink beer.
31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
33) Begin cussing fit.
34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December (1992) in the left boob.
36) Beer.
37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
38) Beer.
39) Beer.
40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
41) Beer.
42) Lower car from jack stands.
43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled
during steps 23 - 43.
45) Beer.
46) Test drive car.
47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
48) Car gets impounded.
49) Call loving wife, make bail.
50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money spent:
Parts $50.00
DUI $2500.00
Impound fee $75.00
Bail $1500.00
Beer $40.00
Total-- $4165.00

-- But you know the job was done right

Encourage religious and cultural tolerance everywhere!

2010-09-27T22:17:00.000-07:00

From a New York resident:

I am perplexed that so many of my friends are against a Mosque being built
near Ground Zero. I think it should be the goal of every American to be
tolerant. The mosque should be allowed, in an effort to promote tolerance.
That is why I also propose that two gay nightclubs be opened next door to
the mosque, thereby promoting tolerance within the mosque.
We could call the clubs "The Turban Cowboy" and "You Mecca Me So Hot".
Next door should be a Butcher shop that specializes in pork and have an open
barbeque with spare ribs as its daily special.
Across the street, a very daring lingerie store called "Victoria Keeps
Nothing Secret" with sexy mannequins in the window modelling the goods.
Next door to the lingerie shop, there would be room for an Adult Toy Shop
(Koranal Knowledge?), its name in flashing neon lights, and on the other
side, a liquor store. Maybe call it "Morehammered"?
If you agree in promoting tolerance and you think this is a good plan, pass
it on.

I would like to sell my daughter into slavery...

2010-09-22T21:57:00.000-07:00

In her US radio show, Dr Laura Schlesinger said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The following response is an open letter to Dr. Laura, penned by a US resident, which was posted on the Internet.

Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God's Laws and how to follow them.

1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of Menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination, Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there 'degrees' of abomination?

7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I'm confident you can help.

Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Your adoring fan,

James M. Kauffman, Ed.D. Professor Emeritus, Dept. Of Curriculum, Instruction, and Special Education University of Virginia
(It would be a damn shame if we couldn't own a Canadian :)

What about the eye patch?

2010-09-22T17:47:00.000-07:00

BARTENDER: Hey, Pete, I haven't seen you in awhile.
What happened? You look terrible!
> PIRATE:
> What do you mean? I feel fine.
> BARTENDER:
> What about the wooden leg?
> You didn't have that before.
> PIRATE:
> Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball,
> but I'm fine now.
> BARTENDER:
> Well, OK, but what about that hook?
> What happened to your hand?
> PIRATE:
> We were in another battle.
> I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight.
> My hand was cut off, then I got fitted with a hook.
> I'm fine now.
> BARTENDER:
> What about the eye patch?
> PIRATE:
> Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over.
> I looked up and one of them shit in my eye.
> BARTENDER:
> You're kidding!
> You lost an eye just from bird shit? . . . . . . . . . . . .
.
..
> PIRATE:
> It was my first day with the hook.

A soldier ran up to a nun...

2010-09-05T00:43:00.000-07:00

A soldier
ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked,
'Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll
explain later.'
The nun agreed.
A moment later two Military Police ran
up and asked, Sister, have you seen a
soldier?'
The nun replied, 'He went that way.'

After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled
out from under her skirt and said,
'I can't thank you enough Sister. You
see, I don't want to go to Afghanistan .'
The nun said, 'I understand completely.'

The soldier added, 'I hope I'm not rude,
but you have a great pair of legs!'
The nun replied, 'If you had looked a little
higher, you would have seen a great pair
of balls....I don't want to go to Afghanistan
either.'

Al-Gebra is a problem for us...

2010-02-08T14:22:00.000-08:00

Image via Wikipedia

A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule, and a calculator. At a morning press conference, the Attorney General said he believes the man is a member of the notorious 'Al-Gebra' movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

'Al-Gebra is a problem for us', the Attorney General said. 'They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values. They use secret code names like 'X' and 'Y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.'

As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are 3 sides to every triangle'.
When asked to comment on the arrest, the President said, 'If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes..' White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement made by any President.

It is believed that the Nobel Prize in Physics will follow.

'You reckon it might be the light that's attractin' 'em?'

2010-02-06T15:01:00.000-08:00

A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.

The manager asked 'Do you have any sales experience?'

The young man answered 'Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Dubbo.'

The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job.

His first day was challenging and busy, but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked, 'OK, so how many sales did you make today?'

The Aussie said 'One!'

The manager groaned and continued, 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day.

How much was the sale for?'
'£124,237.64p.'

The manager choked and exclaimed £124,237.64!!What the hell did you sell him?'

'Well, fir st I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook and then I sold him a new fishing rod.'

'Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Power Cat.'

'Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x4

The manager, incredulous, said, 'You mean to tell me...a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?'

'No, no, no... he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady friend and I said...

'Well, since your weekend's buggered, you might as well go fishing.'

Image via Wikipedia

****

A young jackaroo from the outback in Queensland goes off to university, but before he gets halfway through the semester he has foolishly squandered all his money.

He calls home: "Dad, you won't believe what modern education is developing. They actually have a programme here in Brisbane that will teach our dog, Ol' Blue, how to talk."

That's amazing," his dad says, "how do I get Ol' Blue into that programme?"

"Just send him down here with $2 000 and I'll get him in the course," the young jackaroo says.

His father sends the dog and $2 000.

About two-thirds through the semester, the money runs out again. The boy calls home.

"So how's Ol' Blue doing, son?" his father asks.

"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm. But you just won't believe this. They've had such good results with talking, they've begun to teach the animals how to read," says the boy.

"Read? No kidding. How do we get Ol' Blue into that programme?" asks his dad.

"Just send $4 500. I'll get him in the class," the boy says.

The money promptly arrives.

But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog.

When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.

"Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to talk with him, and see him read something," says the father.

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning Ol'Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall street journal then he suddenly turned to me and asked: 'So, is your dad still shagging that little redhead barmaid at the pub?'"

The father groans and whispers: "I hope you shot the bastard before he talks to your mother."

"I sure did, Dad."

"That's my boy."

The son goes on to become a successful lawyer

*****
A TRUE AUSSIE BLOKE

It's the AFL Grand Final and a man makes his way to his seat right on the Wing. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty.

He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there.

"No," says the neighbour. "The seat is empty"

"This is incredible", said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for AFL Grand final and not use it?"

The neighbour says "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first AFL Grand Final we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."

"Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to take the seat?"

The man shakes his head "No, they're all at the funeral."
*****

A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery store.

As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked, "Son, can you tell me where the Post Office is?"

The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street a
coupla blocks and turn to your right."

The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town. I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get to Heaven."

The little boy replied with a chuckle. "Awww, come on.... you don't even know the way to the Post Office."
*****
A man was walking along the beach in California and found a bottle. He looked around and didn't see anyone so he opened it. A genie appeared and thanked the man for letting him out.

The genie said, "For your kindness I will grant you one wish, but only one."

The man thought for a minute and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but have never been able to because I'm afraid of flying and ships make me claustrophobic and ill. So I wish for a road to be built from here to Hawaii."

The genie thought for a few minutes and said, "No, I don't think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved with the pilings needed to hold up the highway and how deep they would have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. Think of all the concrete or asphalt that would be needed. No, that is just too much to ask."

The man thought for a minute and then told the genie, "There is one other thing that I have always wanted. I would like to be able to understand women. What makes them laugh, what makes them cry, why they are so temperamental, and why are they so difficult to get along with - in other words, what makes them tick?"

The genie considered the request for a few minutes and said, "So, will two lanes be sufficient, or would you like four?"
*****

True Friendship... SCOTTISH STYLE!!
(None of that Sissy Crap)
Are you tired of those piss weak 'friendship' poems that always sound good, but never actually come close to reality? Well, here are a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship. You will see no cute little smiley faces on this card . Just the stone cold truth of a great friendship.

1. When you are sad -- I will help you get pissed and plot revenge against the bastard who made you sad.

2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile -- I will know you are thinking of something that I would probably want to be involved in.

4. When you are scared -- I will take the piss out of you every chance I get until you're NOT.

5. When you are worried -- I will tell you stories about how much worse it could be until YOU STOP WHINING!

6. When you are confused -- I will try to use only little words.

7. When you are sick -- Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.

8. When you fall, I will laugh at you, you clumsy arse,
but I'll help you up.

9. This is my oath.... I pledge it to the end. 'Why?' you may ask;
Because you are my friend.

Friendship is like pissing your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth.
Send this to 10 of your closest friends,
Then get depressed because you can only think of 4 .
*****

A lady CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time. So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.
She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name? "

"Morris Fishbone," he replied.

"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! For what do you pray?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop. I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man."

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a wall."
*****

An irish man went to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church.
'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Fanny Green twice last month.'
The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.'
Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. 'Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Fanny Green twice a week for the past two months.'
This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Fanny Green?'
'A new woman in the neighborhood,' the sinner replied.
'Very well,' sighed the priest. Go and say ten Hail Mary's.;
At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall,
Voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.
The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasn't wearing any underwear.
The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Fanny Green?'
The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, 'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes'.

*****

Deep in the back woods, of Letcher County Kentucky a hillbilly's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, 'Here. You hold this high so I can see what I am doing!' Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world.

'Whoa there', said the doctor, 'Don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down I think there's another one coming.' Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl.

'Hold that lantern up, don't set it down there's another one!' Said the doctor. Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby

'No, don't be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems there's yet another one coming!' cried the doctor.

The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, 'You reckon it might be the light that's attractin' 'em?'

And that is how successful people do business...

2010-01-27T21:29:00.000-08:00

Image via Wikipedia

Moishe (the father) says to his son: "I want you to marry a girl of my choice."

The son says: "I will choose my own bride."

Moishe says: "But the girl is Bill Gates' daughter."

The son answers: "Well, in that case, yes ok."

===========================================================

Moishe then approaches Bill Gates and says: "I have a husband for your daughter."

Bill Gates answers: "But my daughter is too young to get married!"

Moishe says: "But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank."

Bill Gates answers: "Ah, in that case, yes ok."

============================================================

Finally Moishe goes to see the president of the World Bank.

Moishe says: "I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president."

The president answers: "But I already have more vice-presidents than I need."

Moishe says: "But this young man is Bill Gates' son-in-law."

The President answers: "Ah, in that case, yes ok."

=============================================================

And that is how successful Jews do business..=

Comic genius that was Tommy Cooper!

2009-12-23T13:43:00.000-08:00

1. Two blondes walk into a building....you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

2. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers yesterday but I couldn't find any.

5. I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high.

6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off.

8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.

9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

12. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home' "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. 'Is it common?' "It's not unusual."

13. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," said the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy".

14. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside." "How's that?" "Don't you start."

15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure: you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my Mum or my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think it's Colin.

19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other one says "So are you, you fat ba*tard!"

20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks.. They charged one and let the other one off.

21. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."

22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"

23. Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb As digging continues into the night!

Politicians are the easiest to operate on...

2009-12-22T13:44:00.000-08:00

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.
The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."
The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed:
"You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no brains and no spine, and the head and the rear are interchangeable."

Dead jackass on the loan...

2009-12-22T13:42:00.000-08:00

Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine
spring day in his new Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his
bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed
there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly
called the local police station. The conversation went like this: "Good
morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?" "And the best of the
day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Brigid's There's a jackass
lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o' yer
lads to take care of the matter?" Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be
quite a wit, replied with a smirk, "Well now father, it was always my
impression that you people took care of last rites!" There was dead silence
on the line for a long moment. Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, tis
certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin."

Ten Thoughts to Ponder for what is left of 2009..

2009-12-20T16:46:00.000-08:00

Number 10
Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 9
Good health is merely the slowest possible
rate at which one can die.

Number 8
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny.
If you see him without an erection,
make him a sandwich .

Number 7

Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day,
teach a person to use the Internet and
they won't bother you for weeks.

Number 6

Some people are like a Slinky ...
Not really good for anything, but you
still can't help but smile when
you shove them down the stairs.

Number 5

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday,
lying in hospitals, dying of nothing.

Number 4

All of us could take a lesson from the weather.
It pays no attention to Criticism.

Number 3

Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200.00,
and a substantial tax cut saves you $30.00?

Number 2

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird.
Now the world is Weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

And The Number 1 Thought For 2009

"Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers;
What you do today, might Burn Your Ass Tomorrow"

DIARY OF A POMMIE IN WESTERN AUSTRALIA . ..

2009-12-20T16:28:00.000-08:00

August 31 - Just got transferred with work from Leeds UK to our new home in Karratha , Western Australia . Now this is a town that knows how to live! Beautiful, sunny days and warm, balmy evenings. I watched the sunset from a deckchair by the pool yesterday. It was beautiful. I've finally found my new home. I love it here.

September 13 - Really heating up now. It got to 31 today. No problem though. Living in air-conditioned home, driving air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this. I'm turning into a sun-worshipper.

September 30th - Had the back yard landscaped with tropical plants today. Lots of palms and rocks. No more mowing lawns for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.

October 10th - The temperature hasn't been below 35 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least today it's windy though. Keeps the flies off a bit. Acclimatizing is taking longer than I expected.

October 15th - Fell asleep by the pool yesterday. Got third degree burns over 60% of my body. Missed three days of work. What a dumb thing to do! Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.

October 20th - Didn't notice Kitty (our cat) sneaking into the car before I left for work this morning. By the time I got back to the car after work, Kitty had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stuck to the upholstery. The car now smells like Whiskettes and cat shit. I've earned my lesson though: no more pets in this heat.

October 25 - This wind is a bastard. It feels like a giant fuckin' blow dryer. And it's hot as hell! The home air conditioner is on the blink and the repair man charged $200 just to drive over and tell me he needs to order parts from fuckin' Perth ....

October 30th - The temperature's up around 40 and the parts still haven't arrived for the fuckin' aircon. Been sleeping outside by the pool for three nights now. Bloody $600,000 house and we can't even go inside. Why the hell did I ever come here?

November 4 - Finally got the ol' aircon fixed. It cost $1,500 and gets the temperature down to around 25 degrees, but the humidity makes it feel about 30. Stupid repairman.

November 8 - If one more smart arse says 'Hot enough for you today?' I'm going to fuckin' throttle him. Fuckin' heat! By the time I get to work, the car's radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking fuckin' wet and I smell like baked cat!
November 9 Tried to run some errands after work, wore shorts, and sat on the black leather upholstery in the ol' car. I thought my fuckin' arse was on fire. I lost two layers of flesh, all the hair on the backs of my legs and my fuckin' arse. Now the car smells like burnt hair, fried arse and baked cat!

November 10 - Weather report! It might as well be a fuckin' recording. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny, Hot and fuckin' sunny! It's been too hot to do anything for two fuckin' months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week.

November 15 - Doesn't it ever rain in this damn fuckin' place? Water restrictions will be next, so my $5,000 worth of palms might just dry up and blow into the fuckin' pool. The only things that thrive in this hell-hole are the fuckin' flies. You don't dare open your mouth for fear of swallowing half a dozen of the fuckers!

November 20th - Welcome to HELL! It got to 45 fuckin' degrees today. Now the air conditioner's gone in my car.. The repair man came to fix it and said, 'Hot enough for you today?' I had to spend the $2,500 mortgage payment to bail me out of jail for assaulting the stupid fucker. Fuckin' Karratha! What kind of sick, demented fuckin' idiot would want to live here!

December 1 -
WHAT!!!!
The first day of Summer!!!!
You are fuckin' kidding!

7 Reasons Not To Mess With Children

2009-12-19T21:09:00.000-08:00

A little girl was
talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said,"When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."

The teacher asked,"What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied,"Then
you ask him."

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while
they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to "honour" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mum?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my
hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Mummy, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, "There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer," or "That's Michael, He's a doctor."

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead."

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."

"Yes," the class said.

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

A little fellow shouted,
"Cause your feet ain't empty."

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:

"Take only ONE. God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

Spontaneous opera singing at a market in Valencia...

2009-12-19T20:59:00.000-08:00

LITTLE GIRL ON A PLANE...

2009-12-19T03:05:00.000-08:00

A Congressman was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the
he turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go
quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said
to the total stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know,' said the congressman. 'How about global warming or
universal health care', and he smiles smugly.

OK, ' she said. 'Those could be interesting topics. But let me ask you a
question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass.
Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty,
and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'

The legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence,
thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'

To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to
discuss global warming or universal health care when you don't know shit?

A cabbie picks up a Nun...

2009-10-27T16:13:00.000-07:00

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab,
> > and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop
> > staring at her..
> >
> > She asks him why he is staring. He replies:
> > 'I have a question to ask, but I don't want to
> > offend you.'
> >
> > She answers, ' My son, you cannot offend me.
> > When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as
> > long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about
> > everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you
> > could say or ask that I would find
> > offensive.'
> >
> > 'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss
> > me.'
> >
> > She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can do
> > about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must
> > be Catholic.'
> >
> > The cab driver is very excited and says, 'Yes,
> > I'm single and Catholic!'
> >
> > 'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the
> > next alley.'
> >
> > The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would
> > make a hooker blush.
> >
> > But when they get back on the road, the cab driver
> > starts crying.
> >
> > 'My dear child,' said the nun, 'Why are
> > you crying?'
> >
> > 'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and
> > I must confess; I'm married and I'm
> > Jewish.'
> >
> > The nun says, 'That's OK. My name is
> > Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween
> > party.
> >

Russia's contribution towards Earth Hour

2009-10-25T22:31:00.000-07:00

Joke form Russia:

As a contribution towards Earth Hour, Russia agreed to switch off the "light at the end of the tunnel."

www.russiantranslate.org

4 bottles of life summary

2009-10-02T21:11:00.000-07:00

www.russiantranslate.org

When the blind lead the blind get out of the way ...

2009-08-08T03:19:00.000-07:00

1stgrade school teacher had twenty-six students in her class. She presented each child in her classroom the 1st half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading, keep in mind that these are first-graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic!
1.
Don't change horses
until they stop running.
2.
Strike while the
bug is close.
3.
It's always darkest before
Daylight Saving Time..
4.
Never underestimate the power of
termites.
5.
You can lead a horse to water but
How?
6.
Don't bite the hand that
looks dirty.
7.
No news is
impossible
8.
A miss is as good as a
Mr.
9.
You can't teach an old dog new
Math
10.
If you lie down with dogs, you'll
stink in the morning.
11.
Love all, trust
Me.
12.
The pen is mightier than the
pigs.
13.
An idle mind is
the best way to relax.
14.
Where there's smoke there's
pollution.
15.
Happy the bride who
gets all the presents.
16.
A penny saved is
not much.
17.
Two's company, three's
the Musketeers.
18.
Don't put off till tomorrow what
you put on to go to bed.
19.
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and
You have to blow your nose.
20.
There are none so blind as
Stevie Wonder.
21.
Children should be seen and not
spanked or grounded.
22.
If at first you don't succeed
get new batteries.
23.
You get out of something only what you

See in the picture on the box
24.
When the blind lead the blind
get out of the way.
25.
A bird in the hand
is going to poop on you.
And the WINNER and last one!
26.
Better late than
Pregnant

www.russiantranslate.org

Man Rules!!!

2009-05-13T01:15:00.000-07:00

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down...

Finally, the guys' side of the story.

(I must admit, it's pretty good.)

We always hear "the Rules" from the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules!

Please note. These are all numbered "1"
ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports, It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.

Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes or No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
And if you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question that you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer that you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, hockey or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;

But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh.

Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them a bigger laugh.

New Zen Rules!

2009-05-13T00:23:00.000-07:00

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow.

Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow.
In fact, just fuck off and leave me alone.

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tyre.

The darkest hour is just before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbour's milk, that's the time to do it.

Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.

Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

No one is listening until you fart.

Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

Before you criticise someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticise them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

If you lend someone £20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windscreen. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

Gaffa tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

We are born naked, wet, and hungry, and get slapped on our arse ....then things get worse.

www.rssiantranslate.org

Family Tree of Vincent Van Gogh

2009-05-04T21:43:00.000-07:00

His dizzy aunt ------------------------------------- Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes------------------------ Gotta Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store -- Stop N Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia ----------------------- U Gogh
His magician uncle -------------------------- Where-diddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin -------------------------------- A Mee Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half-brother ---- Gring Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach ------- Wells-far Gogh
The constipated uncle --------------------------- Can't Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt ---------------------- Tang Gogh
The bird lover uncle ----------------------- --- Flamin Gogh
The fruit loving cousin -------------------------- Man Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking ----- Way-to-Gogh
The little bouncy nephew ----------------------- Poe Gogh
A sister who loved disco -------------------------- Go Gogh
And his niece who travels the country in an RV - Winnie Bay Gogh

I saw you smiling - there ya Gogh. . . . . !

www.russiantranslate.org

How the Stock Market Really Works....

2009-04-01T01:33:00.000-07:00

www.russiantranslate.org

Blind Man

2009-03-30T20:58:00.000-07:00

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even one drop of paint on their habits. After conferring about this for awhile, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.

"Who is it?", calls one of the nuns.

"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.

The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.

"Nice tits.." says the man, "Where do you want the blinds?"

Understanding Engineers ...

2009-03-01T22:02:00.000-08:00

Understanding Engineers - One

Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one
said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied,
"Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a
beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all
her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes
probably wouldn't have fitted you anyway."

---------------------------------------------------

Understanding Engineers - Two

To the optimist, the glass is half-full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

---------------------------------------------------

Understanding Engineers - Three

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a
particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those
guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"

The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him."
He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're
rather slow, aren't they?"

The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They
lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always
let them play for free anytime."

The group fell silent for a moment.

The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for
them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist
colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

-------------------------------------------------

Understanding Engineers - Four

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons
Civil engineers build targets.

--------------------------------------------------

Understanding Engineers - Five

The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

----------------------------------------------------

Understanding Engineers - Six

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have
designed the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look
at all the joints."

Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has
many thousands of electrical connections."

The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who
else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

---------------------------------------------------

Understanding Engineers - Seven

Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

------------------------------------------

Understanding Engineers - Eight

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and
said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me I'll turn back into a
beautiful princess and stay with you for one week."

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned It
to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess,
I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want."

Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into
his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a
beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything
you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said,
"Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

Aphorisms dor the new age...

2009-02-20T03:00:00.000-08:00

It's not whether you win or lose, but how you place the blame.

The original point and click interface
Was a Smith & Wesson.

A fool and his money
Can throw one hell of a party.

LEARN FROM YOUR PARENTS' MISTAKES
USE BIRTH CONTROL

Money isn't everything,
But it sure keeps the kids in touch.

Don't Drink and Drive
You might hit a bump and spill something.

If at first you don't succeed,
Skydiving is not for you.

Reality is only an illusion
That occurs due to a lack of alcohol.

Time's fun when you're having flies.

......Kermit the Frog

We are born naked, wet and hungry.
Then things get worse.

Red meat is not bad for you
Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.

Ninety-nine percent of all lawyers
Give the rest a bad name.

Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge
To produce reproductive organs.

Alabama state motto:
At least we're not Mississippi

ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE IS NO
MATCH FOR NATURAL STUPIDITY.

GUN CONTROL:
Using both hands

The more I learn about terrorism,
The more I understand the phone company.

The latest survey shows that
Three out of four people make
Up 75% of the population.

Calling an illegal alien an 'undocumented immigrant'
Is like calling a drug dealer an 'unlicensed pharmacist '.

A Good Credit Score is 700 or Above. See yours in just 2 easy steps!

Buy a new husband or wife! Store opened!!!

2009-02-20T02:35:00.000-08:00

A store that sells new husbands has opened in London , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store with six floors just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

Next Season on Survivor

2009-01-24T08:51:00.000-08:00

Next Season on Survivor

Have you heard about the next planned "Survivor" show?

Three businessmen and three businesswomen will be dropped in an elementary school classroom for 6 weeks. Each business person will be provided with a copy of his/her school district's curriculum, and a class of 28 students.

Each class will have five learning-disabled children, three with A.D.D., one gifted child, and two who speak limited English. Three will be labeled with severe behavior problems.

Each business person must complete lesson plans at least 3 days in advance with annotations for curriculum objectives and modify, organize, or create materials accordingly. They will be required to teach students, handle misconduct, implement technology, document attendance, write referrals, correct homework, make bulletin boards, compute grades, complete report cards, document benchmarks, communicate with parents, and arrange parent conferences. They must also supervise recess and monitor the hallways.

In addition, they will complete drills for fire, tornados, and shooting attacks. They must attend workshops, (100 hours), faculty meetings, union meetings, and attend curriculum development meetings. They must also tutor those students who are behind and strive to get their 2 non-Eng
lish speaking children proficient enough to take the CogAT and MCA tests.

If the contestants are sick or having a bad day they must not let it show. Each day they must incorporate reading, writing, math, science, and social studies into the program. They must maintain discipline and provide an educationally stimulating environment at all times and they will be ask to deal with two bathroom "accidents" and five stuck zippers each week they survive.

The business people will only have access to the golf course on the weekends, but on their new salary they will not be able to afford it any way. There will be no access to vendors who want to take them out to lunch, and lunch will be limited to 30 minutes. Bonuses will come in the form of hugs, homemade cards and small pieces of candy that looks like it has been opened.

On days when the contestants do not have bus duty, the business people will be permitted to use the staff restroom as long as another survival candidate is supervising their class.

They will be provided with two 25-minute planning periods per day so that they can creatively teach the other seven hours without a break If the copier is operable, they may make copies of necessary materials at this time as well as make phone calls, e-mail parents, respond to surveys, grade papers and projects, refer students needing special services, plan for PTA events, make bulletin board cut-outs and prepare the science experiments or the paints for the art project.

The business people must continually advance their education on their own time and pay for this advanced training themselves. This can be accomplished by moonlighting at a second job or marrying someone with money.

The winner will be allowed to return to his or her job.

www.russiantranslate.org

What is the truest definition of Globalization?

2008-12-30T14:00:00.000-08:00

Finally,
a definition of globalization that I can understand and to which I now can relate:

Question:
What is the truest definition of Globalization?

Answer:

Princess Diana's
death.

Question:
How come?

Answer :
An
English princesswith an
Egyptian boyfriend
crashes in a French tunnel,driving a

German car
with aDutch engine,

driven by a Belgian

who was drunk
on Scottish whisky,
(check the bottle before you
change the spelling),

followed closely by

Italian Paparazzi,

on Japanese motorcycles;

treated by an American doctor,using

Brazilian medicines.

This is sent to you by

an American,

using Bill Gates's technology, and
you're probably reading
this on your computer,

that uses Taiwanese chips, and,
Korean monitor,

assembled by

Bangladeshi
workers
in a Singapore plant,

transported
by Indian lorry-drivers,

hijacked by Indonesians,

unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen, and
trucked to you by Mexican illegals.....
.
.
.
.
.

That, my friends,
is Globalization!

www.russiantranslate.org

The smiling chain reaction

2008-12-25T23:46:00.000-08:00

I was looking for something cheery this Christmas. And then this story found me...

Bill Maher on politics and Australia (or is it Austria?)

2008-12-02T15:48:00.000-08:00

Michelle and Barack Obama psychic reading

2008-11-22T16:34:00.001-08:00

Arjuna the psychic says no to Hillary Clinton

2008-11-22T16:31:00.000-08:00

The Sayings of the Jewish Buddha.. .If there is no self, whose arthritis is this?

2008-11-22T16:21:00.000-08:00

Be here now. Be someplace else later. Is that so complicated?

Drink tea and nourish life; with the first sip, joy; with the second sip, satisfaction; with the third sip, peace; with the fourth, a danish.

Wherever you go, there you are. Your luggage is another story.

Accept misfortune as a blessing. Do not wish for perfect health, or a life without problems. What would you talk about?

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single Oy.

There is no escaping karma. In a previous life, you never called, you never wrote, you never visited. And whose fault was that?

Zen is not easy. It takes effort to attain nothingness. And then what do you have? Bupkis.

The Tao does not speak. The Tao does not blame. The Tao does not take sides. The Tao has no expectations. The Tao demands nothing of others. The Tao is not Jewish.

Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Forget this and attaining Enlightenment will be the least of your problems.

Let your mind be as a floating cloud. Let your stillness be as a wooded glen. And sit up straight. You'll never meet the Buddha with such rounded shoulders.

Deep inside you are ten thousand flowers.
Each flower blossoms ten thousand times.
Each blossom has ten thousand petals
You might want to see a specialist.

Be aware of your body. Be aware of your perceptions. Keep in mind that not every physical sensation is a symptom of a terminal illness.

The Torah says, Love your neighbor as yourself.
The Buddha says, There is no self.
So, maybe we're off the hook.

"Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"

2008-10-21T16:15:00.000-07:00

Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami
Herald.
This is from newshound Dave Barry's colonoscopy journal:

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment
for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color
diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the
place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis . Then Andy
explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and
patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything
he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE
17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!"

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for
a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a
microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice
it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America's
enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.
Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In
accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all
I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.
Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder
together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water.
(For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons.)
Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because
MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit
and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great
sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel
movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off
your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but:
Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the
MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish
the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined
to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then,
when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter
of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into
the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning
my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I
worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return
bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?'
How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would
not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and
totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to
a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little
curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital
garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on,
makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand.
Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already
lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their
MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this is, but
then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it
to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You
would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where
Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the
17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I
was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left
side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in
my hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song
was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs
that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had
to be the least appropriate.

'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me. 'Ha ha,'
I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than
a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to
tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling
'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I
was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was
looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt
even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my
colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an
internal organ.

On the subject of Colonoscopies...

Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite
humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments
made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their
colonoscopies:

1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!

2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"

3. "Can you hear me NOW?"

4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"

5. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."

6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"

7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."

8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"

9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!

10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."

11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"

12. "God, now I know why I am not gay."

And the best one of all....

13. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up
there?"

Watch for these consolidations ...

2008-10-08T23:32:00.000-07:00

With all the turmoil in the market today and the collapse of Lehman Bros
> and Acquisition of Merrill Lynch by Bank of America this might be some
> good advice. For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next
> expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make
> some BIG bucks.
>
> Watch for these consolidations in later this year:
>
> 1.) Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W R.
> Grace Co. Will merge and become:
> Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.
>
> 2.) Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and
> become:
> Poly, Warner Cracker.
>
> 3.) 3M will merge with Goodyear and become:
> MMMGood.
>
> 4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will
> merge and become:
> ZipAudiDoDa .
>
> 5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become:
> FedUP.
>
> 6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become:
> Fairwell Honeychild.
>
> 7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become:
> PouponPants.
>
> 8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become:
> Knott NOW!
>
> And finally...
>
> 9. Victoria 's Secret and Smith &Wesson will merge under the new name:
> Titty Titty Bang Bang
>

New Stock Market Terms

2008-10-08T21:07:00.000-07:00

CEO --Chief Embezzlement Officer.

CFO-- Corporate Fraud Officer.

BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.
VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.

BROKER -- What my broker has made me.

STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.

STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.

FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.

MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.

CASH FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.

WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.
PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use.

www.russiantranslate.org

Life's Mysteries Explained...

2008-09-30T18:49:00.000-07:00

This is a story I have heard from a Daoist monk in China:

On the first day, God created the dog and said:

'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'
b

The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and sa id:

'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.'

The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:

'You must go into the field with the farmer a ll day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'

The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said:

'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. Fo r this, I'll give you twenty years.'

But man said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten
the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'

'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service.

www.russiantranslate.org

Definitions...

2008-09-16T18:13:00.000-07:00

A COMMITTEE - A BODY THAT KEEPS MINUTES AND WASTES HOURS

HANDKERCHIEF - A COLD STORAGE

INFLATION - CUTTING MONEY IN HALF WITHOUT DAMAGING THE PAPER

TOMORROW - IS ONE OF THE LABOR SAVING DEVICES OF TODAY

YAWN - HONEST OPINION OPENLY EXPRESSED

www.russiantranslate.org

PASSWORD DENIED - NOT LONG ENOUGH...

2008-09-16T18:11:00.000-07:00

The Perfect Password

A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate
point in the process, told him that he would now have to enter a password.
Something he will use to log on.

The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the
shock effect to bring this to his wife 's attention.
so, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly
obvious to his wife that he was keying in...

P.....

E.....

N.....

I.....

S.....

His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:

PASSWORD DENIED - NOT LONG ENOUGH

Get your Prince in time...

2008-09-13T22:03:00.000-07:00

You can enlarge image by repeatedly clicking on it.

www.russiantranslate.org

Life's Rules

2008-07-24T01:59:00.000-07:00

Life's Rules

1. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and Shithead's

2. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content

3. I live in my own little world but it's OK, everyone knows me here.

4. I saw a rather large woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?'

5. I don't do drugs 'cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast.

6. A sign In a Chinese Pet Store: 'Buy one dog, get one flea.'

7. Money can't buy happiness but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

8. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.

9. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the 'terminal'?

10. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.

11. The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

12. If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys.

13. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

14. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.

15. I am a nobody. Nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect.

16. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

17. No one ever says 'It's only a game!' when their team is winning.

18. How long a minute is, depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

19. Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

20. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

21. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

22. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!'

Italian Boy's Confession

2008-07-21T16:49:00.000-07:00

Italian Boy's Confession

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'.

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?'
'Yes, Father, it is.'

And who was the girl you were with?'
I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation'

'Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now.

Was it Tina Minetti?'
'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'
'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Nina Capelli?'
'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Cathy Piriano?'
'My lips are sealed.'

'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'
'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that.
But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?'

'Four months vacation and five good leads.

There is no cure for anyone...

2008-06-16T23:58:00.000-07:00

Click on the picture to enlarge for better view...

Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been. ~Mark Twain, Following the Equator

Youth is a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children. ~George Bernard Shaw

There is no pleasure worth forgoing just for an extra three years in the geriatric ward. ~John Mortimer

Eventually, we become what we are. Our complexes change first into symptoms and then into character faults...

A Sydney Tour -- with a difference....

2008-06-12T00:36:00.000-07:00

CONTIKI (or Con & Taki's) - Western Sydney.
9 DAY TOUR

DAY 1 -
Meet your new travel-mates in our hotel in Beautiful Emu Plains. At
night you have the chance to score your own crack in Cabramatta.

DAY 2 -
After breakfast we will get mugged in Minto before having lunch at
Blacktown KFC. Tonight why not participate in a riot at Macquarie
Fields!

DAY 3 -
Today is your choice! You have the option of fishing in Eastern Creek
or taking a day-trip to the Kings Cross Heroin Injecting Room. Tonight
we experience a cabaret show at Rooty Hill RSL, "The Vegas of the
West".

DAY 4 -
After seeing the real bullet holes in the walls of Granville Police
Station, we will get car-jacked in Sefton before being an accomplice in
a stolen WRX and ram-raiding a cigarette store in Fairfield.

DAY 5 -
Today we will get the crap bashed out of us in downtown Punchbowl by a
gang of 30 or 40. We will have lunch at Auburn Macca´s before an
afternoon swim in the Parramatta River. Tonight is party night as we
head up the coast to Gosford's classy Club Troppo.

DAY 6 -
An early start today as we witness a convenience store hold-up in
Blackett. We then have an opportunity to get knifed in Bonnyrigg.
Tonight we get caught up in a riot at a Canterbury Bulldogs game.

DAY 7 -
This morning is another early start as Silverwater Prison is the
backdrop to our group photo (optional). We then take part in a shoot-up
at picturesque Lakemba. Tonight is an included dinner in the Bistro at
Blacktown RSL.

DAY 8 -
Today is a free day to explore the beautiful suburb of Mt. Druitt at
your leisure.

DAY 9 -
Today we explore Villawood Detention Centre. In the afternoon why not
take part in a guided tour down Everleigh St, Redfern. In the evening a
chance to farewell your new friends at the end of tour dinner at Krispy
Kreme Penrith.

9 days travelling in the comfort of a Ford Escort with bullet-proof
windows and sub-woofer.
6 nights accommodation in F1 Hotels. 3 nights in Best Western Hotels.

Day song - "I shot the Sheriff". Wake-up song - "Gangster's Paradise".
Driver - Wazza. Tour Leader - Mustafa.

Only $199 plus food fund. (Personal Injury insurance of $4000 not
included)

What my mother taught me...

2008-06-01T17:54:00.000-07:00

1. My mother taught me: TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me: RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me: TIME TRAVEL .
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me: LOGIC.
" Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me: MORE LOGIC .
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me: FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me: IRONY
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS .
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me: CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA .
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me: WEATHER .
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me: HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me: THE CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION .
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me: ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me: RECEIVING .
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me: MEDICAL SCIENCE
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

19. My mother taught me: ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me: HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me: HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me: GENETICS.
"I swear to God you're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me: WISDOM .
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. And my favorite: My MOTHER TAUGHT ME ABOUT JUSTICE
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!

Hammer&tickle

2008-06-01T16:01:00.000-07:00

Hammer&tickle

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May 2006 | 122 » Essays » Hammer & tickle Buy Issue
Communism is the only political system to have created its own international brand of comedy. The standard interpretation is that communist jokes were a form of resistance. But they were also a safety valve for the regimes and jokes were told by the rulers as well as the ruled—even Stalin told some good ones
Ben Lewis

Ben Lewis's film, "Hammer and Tickle: the communist joke book" shows at the Tribeca film festival in New York, 30th April-3rd May, and on BBC4 "Storyville" in September
A man dies and goes to hell. There he discovers that he has a choice: he can go to capitalist hell or to communist hell. Naturally, he wants to compare the two, so he goes over to capitalist hell. There outside the door is the devil, who looks a bit like Ronald Reagan. "What's it like in there?" asks the visitor. "Well," the devil replies, "in capitalist hell, they flay you alive, then they boil you in oil and then they cut you up into small pieces with sharp knives."

"That's terrible!" he gasps. "I'm going to check out communist hell!" He goes over to communist hell, where he discovers a huge queue of people waiting to get in. He waits in line. Eventually he gets to the front and there at the door to communist hell is a little old man who looks a bit like Karl Marx. "I'm still in the free world, Karl," he says, "and before I come in, I want to know what it's like in there."

"In communist hell," says Marx impatiently, "they flay you alive, then they boil you in oil, and then they cut you up into small pieces with sharp knives."

"But… but that's the same as capitalist hell!" protests the visitor, "Why such a long queue?"

"Well," sighs Marx, "Sometimes we're out of oil, sometimes we don't have knives, sometimes no hot water…"

It was in Romania, while making a film about Ceausescu, that I first stumbled across the historical legacy of the communist joke. There I learned that a clerk from the Bucharest transport system, Calin Bogdan Stefanescu, had spent the last ten years of Ceausescu's regime collecting political jokes. He noted down which joke he heard and when, and analysed his total of over 900 jokes statistically. He measured the time gap between a political event and a joke about that event, and then drew up a graph measuring the varying velocity of Romanian communist jokes. He was also able to assert—somewhat tenuously—that there was a link between jokes and the fall of Ceausescu, since jokes about the leader doubled in the last three years of the regime. The story of Stefanescu, the statistician of jokes, was, ironically, much funnier than the jokes themselves. It seemed to capture the prosaic reality of the little man struggling against the communist universe.

I was charmed. Soon my volume of Stefanescu's Ten Years of Romanian Black Humour was joined by 30 or so other collections of communist jokes—such as Reinhard Wagner's Jokes of East Germany Volume 1-2 (1994/96), and Hammer and Tickle (1980) by Petr Beckmann. The earliest volume I found, Humour Behind the Iron Curtain, was published in 1962 by the Nazi-hunter Simon Wiesenthal, under the pseudonym Mischka Kukin. I wondered if Wiesenthal found communist jokes a diversion from the business of tracking down Nazis, or if they represented to him another struggle against injustice. I also came across a wonderfully overwritten PhD thesis by the Stanford anthropologist Seth Benedict Graham: A Cultural Analysis of the Russo-Soviet Anekdot (anekdot is the Russian word for a political joke). Graham's earnest academic language suggests the standard theory of the joke as a tool of subversion: "An important reason for the anekdot's pre-eminence was its capacity to outflank, mimic, debunk, deconstruct, and otherwise critically engage with other genres and texts of all stripes and at all presumed points on the spectrum from resistance to complicity."

Graham gestures towards the Orwellian notion of the joke as "a tiny revolution." Jokes were an essential part of the communist experience because the monopoly of state power meant that any act of non-conformity, down to a simple turn of phrase, could be construed as a form of dissent. By the same token, a joke about any facet of life became a joke about communism. There have been political and anti-authority jokes in every era, but nowhere else did political jokes cohere into an anonymous body of folk literature as they did under communism. With the creation of the Soviet bloc after the war, communism exposed itself to Czech and Jewish traditions of humour—mutating viruses to which the system never developed the right antibodies. Some jokes that were traceable back to the Austro-Hungarian empire found their apotheosis under communism—like this one about the Hungarian communist leader Matyas Rakosi: Two friends are walking down the street. One asks the other "What do you think of Rakosi?" "I can't tell you here," he replies. "Follow me." They disappear down a side street. "Now tell me what you think of Rakosi," says the friend. "No, not here," says the other, leading him into the hallway of an apartment block. "OK here then." "No, not here. It's not safe." They walk down the stairs into the deserted basement of the building. "OK, now you can tell me what you think of our president." "Well," says the other, looking around nervously,"actually I quite like him."

There's another factor that reinforces the mode of covert protest in communist jokes—the way former citizens of the communist countries felt about them. I suggested to each interviewee that most of these jokes weren't actually very funny, or at least had dated badly. How could they laugh at so many mediocre and repetitive jokes? They were outraged by the question. "Every week there was another great new joke. The strange thing is that you always asked: where do they come from? You never knew. The author was a collective—the people," said Ernst Röhl, one of East Germany's leading satirists. "I remember, as a student, when we had to gather the harvest and we told jokes incessantly," I was told by Stefan Wolle, the author of Back in the GDR. "Then we sat in the pub until midnight telling jokes. Everyone had his special collection." "Some of these jokes are minor masterpieces," said Doina Doru, a Romanian proofreader who spent ten years checking that Ceausescu's name was spelt correctly in the daily newspaper. "What is colder in a Romanian winter than cold water?" she continued by way of illustration, "Hot water!"

So far as I know, no one was executed for telling a joke. But people routinely went to prison. The archives of the Hungarian secret police are full of the dossiers of people arrested for telling them. Day in, day out, officers of the state were taking the time and trouble to track down joke-tellers, or going out of their way to add the evidence of joke-telling to other charges, and then handing out short sentences.

Perhaps the most emblematic story of the joke-as-resistance is a report of the prosecution of a joke-teller in Czechoslovakia in 1967, which I found in the archives of Radio Free Europe, the anti-communist cold war broadcaster. An arriving refugee brought the news that a worker in a liquor factory had been arrested for telling the following joke: Why is the price of lard not going up in Hungary? So that the workers can have lard on bread for their Sunday lunch.

The joke had been overheard by the party secretary of the factory, who immediately reported the worker. The joke-teller was arrested on charges of "Incitement and defamation against the People's Democracy." After six hearings, the employee was fired. The sentence was relatively lenient because the co-workers all stood by the employee, saying that the party secretary did not hear the introductory words of the joke-teller: I heard a very stupid joke yesterday…

The joke wasn't very funny—the implication is that since there is no meat in the shops, Sunday roasts have been replaced by lard sandwiches. But the real story produces its own punchline. Communism was a humour-producing machine. Its economic theories and system of repression created inherently funny situations. There were jokes under fascism and the Nazis too, but those systems did not create an absurd, laugh-a-minute reality like communism.

Communist jokes were a way to criticise and outmanoeuvre the system, but they were also something more than this. They comprised a secret language between citizens—membership of a club to which the government was not invited (or so they thought).

The first jokes about the Russian revolution surfaced immediately after October 1917. In one, an old woman visits Moscow zoo and sees a camel for the first time. "Look what the Bolsheviks have done to that horse!" she exclaims. As the system became harsher, a distinctive communist sense of humour emerged—pithy, dark and surreal—but so did the legal machinery for repressing it. Historian Roy Medvedev looked through the files of Stalin's political prisoners and concluded that 200,000 people were imprisoned for telling jokes, such as this: Three prisoners in the gulag get to talking about why they are there. "I am here because I always got to work five minutes late, and they charged me with sabotage," says the first. "I am here because I kept getting to work five minutes early, and they charged me with spying," says the second. "I am here because I got to work on time every day," says the third, "and they charged me with owning a western watch."

Yet there is an obvious problem with the idea that communist jokes represented an act of revolt: it wasn't just opponents of the regime who told them. Stalin himself cracked them, including this one about a visit from a Georgian delegation: They come, they talk to Stalin, and then they go, heading off down the Kremlin's corridors. Stalin starts looking for his pipe. He can't find it. He calls in Beria, the dreaded head of his secret police. "Go after the delegation, and find out which one took my pipe," he says. Beria scuttles off down the corridor. Five minutes later Stalin finds his pipe under a pile of papers. He calls Beria—"Look, I've found my pipe." "It's too late," Beria says, "half the delegation admitted they took your pipe, and the other half died during questioning."

Stalin's laughter underlines the cynicism of the Soviet enterprise. But after his death the joke trials petered out. One of Khrushchev's first acts was to release all those imprisoned for minor political crimes, which included telling jokes. In his famous secret speech to the 20th party congress, Khrushchev cracked one too. He said that Stalin would have liked to have deported all the Ukrainians, but didn't know where to put them. The stenographers recording the speech noted the reaction of the party—"laughter."

In this new era, political leaders took the view that the jokes were a harmless way for people to let off steam. They believed that jokes would help people to cope with the hardships of the difficult stage of socialism, before the communist utopia arrived. They also imagined that the jokes could be used as an early warning system; problems indicated by humour could be tackled before they caused a revolution. Ilie Merce, a senior member of the Romanian Securitate, said that he used to file reports on the jokes—who was telling what—in order to convey the popular mood to the ministry of the interior.

Everyone told jokes, even the apparatchiks. Guenter Schabowski, the East German newspaper editor and later politburo member, told me: "At Neues Deutschland we told each other jokes in the canteen. We weren't blind to the failings of the system, but we convinced ourselves that this was only because it was the early days and the class enemy was perpetrating sabotage. One day, we thought, all problems will be solved and there won't be any more jokes because there won't be anything to joke about."

There were still occasional outbreaks of arrests for jokes in the 1960s and 1970s—usually linked to moments when the state felt vulnerable—when the Berlin wall was built or when there was another price hike. At these times, newspapers would publish "Outraged of Vladivostok" letters railing against the flood of jokes, like this one from Izvestia in 1964.

Dear Sir, Ten days ago I went to our savings bank. In front of the clerk's window there were five people waiting for their turn. And while standing there I heard too much. There were two of them in front of me, well fed, healthy, and really well dressed… and in a public place and with an insolent casualness they were trying to outdo each other, swapping their "best" political jokes… How can I restrain myself in front of these "jokers," who tell me mockingly a "new anecdote"? Nothing is sacred to them. They spit on everything!… We have to fight them; it is necessary to discredit, shame and dishonour them in front of honest people.
With deep respect, Nikolay Kuritsin, external student, Kadykchan village.

In the 1960s, the Soviet bloc was deluged by a flood of new jokes. There were around 20 subcategories. The most popular theme was the economy: One housewife to another: "I hear there'll be snow tomorrow"—"Well, I'm not queuing for that." There were jokes about Soviet propaganda: The capitalists are standing at the edge of the abyss. Soon communism will overtake capitalism. There were gags about Marxist-Leninist theory: Why is the individual placed in the centre of socialism? So it's easy to kick him from all sides. There were jokes about communist art: What is the difference between painters of the naturalist, impressionist and the socialist realist schools? The naturalists paint as they see, the impressionists as they feel, the socialist realists as they are told. There were jokes about communist-style democracy: When was the first Russian election? The time that God put Eve in front of Adam and said, "Go ahead, choose your wife." And, of course, there were Jewish communist jokes: "Hey Hymee, how's your brother Joseph?" "He's living in Prague and building socialism." "And didn't you have a sister, Judith—how's she doing?" "She's well too—living in Budapest and creating a communist future." "And your older brother Bernie?" "Oh he moved to Israel." "And is he building socialism there too?" "What, are you crazy? Do you think he'd do that in his own country?"

The point of this last gag seems to be not just to have a laugh at communism, but to shift the blame for it away from the central committees to the Jews. In other words, jokes could aid the system as well as undermine it. This, it seems, is what Graham's thesis on the meaning of the anekdot was grasping for when it described a "spectrum from resistance to complicity." A joke could be told about Stalin, or by Stalin; it could mock both the makers of the system and its victims. A joke could be an act of rebellion or a safety valve, an expression of revulsion against the system or of familiarity, even warmth towards it.

This is not to deny that the communist joke was often at its best in its dissident form. When Russian tanks rolled into Prague in 1968, the population fought back with wit. Every night graffiti appeared in Wenceslas Square with lines like "Soviet State Circus back in town! New attractions!" and "Soviet School for Special Needs Children—End-of-Term Outing." People cracked jokes: Why is Czechoslovakia the most neutral country in the world? Because it doesn't even interfere in its own internal affairs. And: Are the Russians our brothers or our friends? Our brothers—we can choose our friends. "We showed our intellectual superiority," one former dissident told me proudly.

Jokes under communism were shaped by the cultures that produced them, as they are anywhere else. For the Czechs, a sense of humour encapsulated a type of national resilience. East German jokes, meanwhile, tended to be touchingly self-deprecating. And yet there was a pan-communist umbrella of comedy that stood above national distinctions, just as the international socialist project itself did. What ultimately defined the genre was less the purpose it served than its style. The communist joke was by nature deadpan and absurdist—because it was born of an absurd system which created a yawning gap between everyday experience and propaganda. Yet sometimes, through jokes, both communists and their opponents could carry on a debate about the failings of communism.

The logic of this discourse led to the strangest coded conflict, as the pages of the East German satirical magazine Eulenspiegel reveal. Eulenspiegel was founded in 1954 as the state's official organ of humour. There were no censorship laws, as the East Germans were so proud of telling the west. Instead the editors had to guess what kind of jokes were permissible. Every week the magazine carried three or four pages of anti-imperialist humour, in which capitalists in top hats counted their money, GIs enslaved Africans and doves sat atop hammers and sickles. Eulenspiegel could also print anodyne comic critiques of daily life in East Germany, as long as they didn't incriminate the politburo. Ernst Röhl was able to write things like this: Man doesn't live from bread and ham alone. He needs something green. And green things have been in short supply for a long time. Cabbage has been more the subject of discussion than digestion. And the Adam's apple is the closest one gets to fruit at the dinner table. But this year Mother Nature has been particularly green. Cucumbers are no longer the shoemaker's bribe. Onions no longer raise laughs in cabaret sketches…

People like Röhl saw themselves, rather self-indulgently, as fifth columnists, eating away at the regime from the inside. But there were limits to permissible satire. Once the cover featured "young pioneers" with long hair—a decadent western fashion. The politburo was livid, but the magazine had already been sent out, so the police reclaimed all the copies they could from newsagents and post offices. Eulenspiegel once tried to make common cause with Pardon, its West German left-wing counterpart. After all, Pardon also attacked Adenauer and American imperialism. But the editors of Eulenspiegel were stung when Pardon rebuffed their advances, on the grounds that the communist satirists should criticise their own leader, Walter Ulbricht, the same way the capitalist ones went for theirs. The editors of Euelenspiegel printed a rebuttal entitled "How do we write about Walter Ulbricht?" in 1963: "We know from various reliable sources that President Ulbricht has a terrific sense of humour… [but] the transparency and virtue of our state makes it not only difficult but simply impossible to write a satire about its representatives. Where there is nothing to uncover, the satirist will find no material. So how do we satirists write about Walter Ulbricht?… We send our greetings and best wishes to the first secretary of the central committee. We wish comrade Ulbricht health, stamina and a long life."

This article could have been satirical, but wasn't. Rather, it occupies the strange socialist space where the serious and the humorous are identical. Eulenspiegel was the only place where serious criticism of the state could be published. Readers wrote in with complaints about their leaking prefab apartments and so on, and there was a column called Erledigt (Dealt With) which celebrated the grievances that the Eulenspiegel had managed to redress, and often came with printed apologies from factory managers and landlords. Nothing illustrates better the inverted reality of communism: real problems could only be presented in a context of laughter, presumably so that one could always claim one was only joking. In this realm, where humour turns out to be a complex social dance, the idea of the joke as simply subversive breaks down.

But on this side of the iron curtain, communist jokes were only interpreted as evidence of anti-communism; their wider significance was lost. In 1950-51, a group of Harvard anthropologists undertook one of the most influential research projects of the postwar era. The US government wanted to find out how Soviet citizens might react if the US invaded Russia. So the academics interviewed thousands of displaced Russian citizens living in camps in Germany. When asked to describe what Soviet society was like, the refugees told jokes: "Did you hear the one about the sheep who tried to leave the USSR? They were stopped at the border by a guard…." "Why do you wish to leave Russia?" the guard asked. "It's the secret police," replied the sheep. "Stalin has ordered them to arrest all the elephants." "But you aren't elephants." "Try telling that to the secret police."

In the 1950s, the New York Times Magazine would devote the odd page to jokes from the Harvard project. From the 1960s onwards, volumes of communist jokes were published in paperback form in Europe and North America. Willy Brandt was a renowned communist joke-teller, but there was one western politician who took the jokes more seriously than anyone else: Ronald Reagan. He ordered the state department to collect the jokes and send them to him in weekly memos. As a result, Paul Goble, head of the Balkan desk in the 1980s, assembled a collection of 15,000 communist jokes. Reagan often used Goble's gags in his speeches and negotiations. When Gorbachev came to Washington, Reagan told him a communist joke, later boasting at a press conference that he had laughed. The joke, which made fun of the communist theory that a transitional era of socialism was preceding the communist utopia, went like this: Two men are walking down a street in Moscow. One asks the other, "Is this full communism? Have we really passed through socialism and reached full communism?" The other answers "Hell, no. It's gonna get a lot worse first."

Communism ground on into the 1970s. Brezhnev and his geriatric cronies gave rise to some new jokes (Brezhnev reads a speech at the Winter Olympics "O-O-O-O-O." "No," his aide whispers to him, "that's the Olympic logo.") And the technology gap gave rise to others: The latest achievements of the East German electronics company Robotron were celebrated—they built the world's largest microchip. Meanwhile the state was seemingly less worried by the jokes. In Poland, the most liberal regime of them all, they even permitted communist jokes on television.

Jokes did not bring down communism. That was achieved by the nonsense of its economic policies, and by the decisions of the leaders of the superpowers, east and west—in the case of Reagan, by pricing the Soviets out of the arms race; in the case of Gorbachev by glasnost and perestroika. This much is well known—what isn't is the significance both leaders attached to communist jokes. Gorbachev knew the jokes, and like his predecessors, he told them. You can't imagine Stalin or Khrushchev telling a joke about his own unpopularity, but Gorbachev did. In 1996 he appeared on the Clive Anderson show in Britain and told this one, whose lineage can be traced back through the 20th century: A man is queuing for food in Moscow. Finally he's had enough. He turns round to his friend and says "That's it. I'm going to kill that Gorbachev," and marches off. Two hours later he comes back. "Well," says the friend, "did you do it?" "No," replies the other, "there was an even longer queue over there."

Gorbachev and his aides talked openly about the jokes. In 1989 he told a crowd of workers, "political jokes were our salvation," a reference to the way the jokes let out frustrations and debunked propaganda. As the first reforms faltered, one of his ministers warned him that if the new laws didn't work "the people would return to the bottle and the political joke." One could even argue that Gorbachev's policies liberalising the economy, press and politics were addressing the implicit complaints of decades of jokes.

Exactly how communist jokes functioned politically, socially or psychologically is a question as complex as the meaning of works of art. What is self-evident, however, is that since the fall of the wall the jokes have dried up. Life just isn't as funny any more. The vast enterprise of communism gave a universal quality to the meaning of the jokes that hasn't been replicated since its collapse. They subverted and they supported; they undermined and they prolonged. As Gorbachev's respect for the jokes and Reagan's obsession with them show, they were intrinsic to the whole communist experience. Jokes were to communism what myths were to ancient Greece: anonymous, oral stories which both represented and shaped people's views and actions.

Jokes may not have carried the weight of the great forces which ended communism, but they were more than mere figures of speech. Jokes kept alive in the minds of the citizens of the Soviet bloc the idea of an alternative reality, and they made light of four decades of occupation of eastern and central Europe. They may even explain why the end of communism was so sudden and so bloodless. No point anyone getting hurt over a little joke, right? End of the article

It's all in the mind...

2008-05-04T20:13:00.000-07:00

She is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car.

She writes:

Dear Granddaughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a Honk if you love Jesus bumper sticker.

I was f eeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.

So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, am I glad I did, what an uplifting experience that followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection,
just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.

I found that lots of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, ' For the love of God! ' ' Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!' What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking!

I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people.

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant. He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back. My grandson burst out laughing. Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.

So, I waved at all my brothers and sisters grinning, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the
Intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.

So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!

Will write again soon,

Love, Grandma

Why men are not good at taking messages...

2008-05-03T22:46:00.001-07:00

A serious problem...

2008-05-03T22:36:00.000-07:00

At dawn the telephone rings. "Hello, Mr White? This is Ernest, the
caretaker at your country house."

"Ah yes, Ernest. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

"Um, I am just calling to advise you, that your parrot died.

"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"

"Yes, Mr White , that's the one."

"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird." "What did he
die from?"

"From eating rotten meat, "

"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"

"Nobody, Mr White . He ate the meat of the dead horse."

"Dead horse? What dead horse?"

"The thoroughbred, Sir."

"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"

"Yes Sir , he died from all that work pulling the water cart."

"Are you insane? What water cart?"

"The one we used to put out the fire, "

"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"

"The one at your house,Sir ! A candle fell and the curtains caught on
fire."

"What the hell??....Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of
a candle??!!!

"Yes Sir "

"But there's electricity at the house!!! What was the candle for?"

"For the funeral, "

"WHAT B ******** FUNERAL??"

"Your wife's, Mr White ... She showed up one night out of the blue and I
thought she was a thief,
So I hit her with your new Tiger Woods' Nike Driver."

SILENCE.................. , LONG SILENCE....

"Ernest if you broke that driver, you're in deep *s.....t!"*

О религии...

2008-05-03T01:18:00.000-07:00

Ваш банк дает кредиты под честное слово?
- Без проблем...
- А если я не верну?
- Вам будет стыдно перед Всевышним когда предстанете.
- Когда это еще будет...
- Вот, если пятого не вернете, шестого предстанете.
Почему, когда ты разговариваешь с Богом - это названо молитвой, а когда Бог с тобой - шизофренией?
- Девушка, вы хотели бы заняться бизнесом?
- Да, но только, чтобы мама не узнала!
Еще 50 грамм инвестиций, и я - недвижимость...
Библия учит любить ближнего своего, а Кама-Сутра объясняет, как именно...
Пастор встречается с раввином и говорит:
- Мне сегодня приснился странный сон. Будто попал я в еврейский рай. И там такая
грязь, вонь и толкотня!
- А мне, - говорит раввин, - снилось, будто попал я в христианский рай. И там так
чисто, светло, сплошное благоухание - и ни души!
Кстати, знаете почему некоторые люди пишут семерку с горизонтальной черточкой посередине, хотя на печатных машинках и компьютерах используется обычная семерка, без черточки?
Просто когда Моисей сошел с горы Синай, стал читать своему народу десять заповедей и дошел до седьмой заповеди "Не прелюбодействуй", народ хором стал голосить: "Зачеркни семерку, зачеркни!"
Господь диктует Моисею Тору: "...не вари козленка в молоке матери его... "
Моисей: "O, погоди, минуточку... А-а-а-а, я понял! Это означает - не ешь мясного с
молочным?!"
Господь: "Hе фантазируй. Пиши, что говорят - не вари козленка в моло... "
Моисей: "Aааа, сейчас, ага, все - понял: надо иметь отдельную посуду для мяса и
молока! "
Господь (раздраженно): "послушай, что ты несешь? Я же тебе ясно сказал! Не
выдумывай, пиши, что диктуют: не вари козлен... "
Моисей: "Bсе, все, вот теперь - понял: после мясного надо подождать шесть часов,
прежде, чем есть молочное, а после молочного... "
Господь (устало, махнув рукой): "э, делайте, что хотите... "
Помни, Господь все видит. Живи так, чтобы ему было интересно!
В Афганистане. Жена идет впереди Саида. Увидев это, мулла возмущается:
- Ты нарушаешь Коран, Саид!
- Когда писали Коран, дороги не минировали! Вперед, Фатима!

Where we are heading with the newspapers...

2008-05-01T02:00:00.000-07:00

I saw this in the Bangkok Post and managed to find a copy on the net.

Get me rewrite!

(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published June 10, 2001.)

On behalf of the newspaper industry (new, cost-cutting motto: ''All the News That''), I am announcing some changes we're making to serve you better.

When I say ''serve you better,'' I mean ''increase our profits.'' We newspapers are very big on profits these days. We're a business, just like any other business, except that we employ English majors. To help you better understand our current situation, let's review the history of newspaper finances:

The earliest known newspaper, published in 59 B.C. in Rome, was called Acta Diurna (literally, the Portland Oregonian). The first issue offered coverage of Roman politics (''Strom Thurmond Elected to Senate''); science news (''Study Shows Thunder Is Actually Gods Burping''); and an early episode of the comic strip ''Nancy,'' in which Sluggo tries to avoid paying admission to the Colosseum by peeking through a knothole, and gets a spear through the eyeball. Unfortunately, Acta Diurna was not profitable, because every copy had to be entirely handwritten by slaves (called ''reporters''); if a big story broke, a huge, hairy man (the ``editor'') would yell, ''Stop the presses!'' and whack them with a club.

The first important financial advance for newspapers came in 1451 when Johann Gutenberg (literally, ''Joe Goodberg'') invented the printing press, which made it possible for a newspaper to cheaply and accurately reproduce every single error thousands of times. But the real turning point came in 1609, when the publisher of the German newspaper Der Postentimesennewsenregisterentribune (literally, Grit) invented the ''Presidents Day sale,'' which made modern newspaper advertising possible, and which is still in use today, though nobody has any idea who the ''presidents'' are.

The newspaper industry spread to America, where, by the 20th century, virtually every town had a locally owned newspaper with a name like The Chronic Prevaricator or The Register-Sphincter, which kept the community abreast of local politics (''City Council Attacked by Pig'') as well as national issues (''Strom Thurmond Still Alive''). These were family operations run by people who were less concerned about making large profits than about keeping their body parts out of the presses.

But in the past few decades, all of these newspapers were purchased by large corporations, which were in turn purchased by larger corporations, and so on, so that today the entire American newspaper industry has been glommed together into one giant media conglomerate owned by Wall Street, which frankly does not care what your city council did. What Wall Street cares about is profits. Here at the newspaper, we get hourly phone calls from Wall Street.

''Send more profits!'' Wall Street shouts, then slams down the receiver.

We must comply, because otherwise Wall Street would shut down the newspaper and we would starve to death, because, as English majors, we have no useful skills.

So the ''bottom line'' is that we've had to cut costs. Here are some of the ways we're doing this:

RECYCLING STORIES: To avoid the expense of writing a new story, we're rerunning earlier ones. For example, every day for the past five years, we've run the same story on fighting in the Middle East (''Middle East Fighting Again'').

STAFF CUTBACKS: The typical newspaper staff has been reduced to one editor, one managing editor, 14 assistant managing editors, 39 deputy assistant managing editors, and one reporter. The editors spend their days holding meetings to think of new ways to cut costs, while the reporter (who, for budgetary reasons, is not allowed to leave the building) looks out the window, in case news occurs in the parking lot.

PRODUCT PLACEMENT: You're going to see more sentences like this one, from a recent front-page story in The Philadelphia Inquirer: ''We are seriously considering the use of nuclear weapons against China,' stated President Bush, who then took a long sip from a refreshing, ice-cold Diet Pepsi.''

FEWER WORDS: Not need adjectives, adverbs. Nouns, verbs can communicate story gist. (''Middle East fighting.'' )

WEAKER ENDINGS TO COLUMNS.

(c) 2008, Dave Barry

The enduring benefits of Sisterhood...

2008-05-01T01:51:00.000-07:00

A young wife sat on a sofa on a hot humid day, drinking iced tea and visiting with her Mother. As they talked about life, about marriage, about the responsibilities of life and the obligations of adulthood, the mother clinked the ice cubes in her glass thoughtfully and turned a clear, sober glance upon her daughter 'Don't forget your Sisters,' she advised, swirling the tea leaves to the bottom of her glass. 'They'll be more important as you get older. No matter how much you love your husband, no matter how much you love the children you may have, you are still going to need Sisters. Remember to go places with them now and then; do things with them.' 'Remember that 'Sisters' means ALL the women... your girlfriends, your daughters, and all your other women relatives too. 'You'll need other women. Women always do.'
What a funny piece of advice!' the young woman thought. Haven't I just gotten married? Haven't I just joined the couple-world? I'm now a married woman, for goodness sake! A grownup! Surely my husband and the family we may start will be all I need to make my life worthwhile!' But she listened to her Mother. She kept contact with her Sisters and made more women friends each year. As the years tumbled by, one after another, she gradually came to understand that her Mom really knew what she was talking about. As time and nature work their changes and their mysteries upon a woman, Sisters are the mainstays of her life. After more than 50 years of living in this world, here is what I've learned: THIS SAYS IT ALL: Time passes. Life happens. Distance separates. Children grow up. Jobs come and go. Love waxes and wanes. Men don't do what they're supposed to do. Hearts break. Parents die. Colleagues forget favors. Careers end. BUT......

Sisters are there, no matter how much time and how many miles are between you. A girl friend is never farther away than needing her can reach. When you have to walk that lonesome valley and you have to walk it by yourself, the women in your life will be on the valley's rim, cheering you on, praying for you, pulling for you, intervening on your behalf, and waiting with open arms at the valley's end. Sometimes, they will even break the rules and walk beside you...Or come in and carry you out. Girlfriends, daughters, granddaughters, daughters-in-law, sisters, sisters-in-law, Mothers, Grandmothers, aunties, nieces, cousins, and extended family, all bless our life! The world wouldn't be the same without women, and neither would I. When we began this adventure called womanhood, we had no idea of the incredible joys or sorrows that lay ahead. Nor did we know how much we would need each other. Every day, we need each other still. Pass this on to all the women who help make your life meaningful. I just did. Short and very sweet: There are more than twenty angels in this world. Ten are peacefully sleeping on clouds. Nine are playing. And one is reading her email at this moment.

What has Space Shuttle's got to do with a horse's ass?

2008-04-20T02:22:00.000-07:00

AN INTERESTING HISTORY LESSON.

Railroad tracks. This is fascinating.

The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number.

Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in England, and English expatriates built the US railroads.

Why did the English build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.

Why did 'they' use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.

Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.

So who built those old rutted roads? Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (and England ) for their legions. The roads have been used ever since.

And the ruts in the roads? Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing. Therefore the United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot. Bureaucracies live forever.

So the next time you are handed a Specification/Procedure/Process and wonder 'What horse's ass came up with it?' you may be exactly right.

Imperial Roman army chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the rear ends of two war horses. (Two horses' asses.) Now, the twist to the story:

When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRB's. The SRB's are made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah. The engineers who designed the SRB's would have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRB's had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains, and the SRB's had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds.

So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's
most advanced transportation system was determined ove r two thousand years ago by the width of a horse's ass. And you thought being a horse's ass wasn't important? Ancient horse's asses control almost everything... and CURRENT Horses Asses are controlling everything else.

And another candidate for a happy couple (in accordance with rumours)...

2008-04-19T05:17:00.001-07:00

Maybe the rumours are wrong but Vlad certainly looks unhappy with Ludmila in this photo...

Never Argue with a Woman

2008-04-14T18:01:00.000-07:00

Never Argue with a Woman
>
> One morning the husband returns after
> several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.
> Although not familiar with the lake, the wife
> decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short
> distance, anchors, and reads her book.
>
> Along comes a Game Warden in his boat.
> He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good
> morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'
> 'Reading a book,' she replies,
> (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?')
> 'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,'
> he informs her
> 'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not
> fishing. I'm reading'
> 'Yes, but you have all the equipment.
> For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll
> have to take you in and write you up.'
> 'For reading a book,' she replies,
> 'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,'
> he informs her ag ain,
> 'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not
> fishing. I'm reading'
> 'Yes, but you have all the equipment.
> For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll
> have to take you in and write you up.'
> 'If you do that, I'll have to charge you
> with sexual assault,' says the woman.
> 'But I haven't even touched you,' says
> the game warden.
> 'That's true, but you have all the
> equipment. For all I know you could start at any
> moment.'
> 'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.
>
> MORAL: Never argue with a woman who
> reads. It's likely she can also think.
>
>

How to spend your rebate...

2008-04-03T18:46:00.000-07:00

President George Bush said each one of us would
get a $600.00 tax rebate. It was previously slated to be
$800.00, but they dropped it to a $600.00 tax rebate
because of various budget problems.

Now, if we spend that money at Wal-Mart,
all the money will go to China, if we spend it on
computers, most of the money will go to Korea or India.

If we spend it on gasoline it will all go to the Arabs

.....and none of these scenarios will help the American
economy.

We need to keep that money here in America .....so the
only way to keep that money here at home is to drink beer,
gamble, or spend it on prostitution. Currently it seems that
these are the only businesses still left in the U.S.

I'm Elliot Spitzer and I approve of this message.

'Titanic' and 'My Life' by Bill Clinton.

2008-04-01T01:29:00.000-07:00

Students at a local school were assigned to read 2 books, 'Titanic' and
'My Life' by Bill Clinton.

One student turned in the following book report,
With the proposition that they were nearly identical stories!

His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report.

Titanic:..... Cost - $29.99
Clinton :..... Cost - $29.99

Titanic:..... Over 7 hours to read
Clinton :.... Over 7 hours to read

Titanic:..... The story of Jack and Rose, their forb idden love, and
subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton :..... The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and
subsequent catastrophe.

Titanic:..... Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton :..... Bill is a bullshit artist.

Titanic:.... In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton :.... Ditto for Bill.

Titanic:..... During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton :..... Ditto for Monica.

Titanic:..... Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton :..... Let's not go there.

Titanic:..... Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
Clinton :.... Monica' s forced to return her gifts.

Titanic:..... Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton :..... Clinton doesn't remember Monica.

Titanic:.... Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton :..... Monica...ooh, let's not go there, either.

Titanic:..... Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton :..... Bill goes home to Hillary - basically the same thing.

A Woman was out golfing one day...

2008-03-29T23:53:00.000-07:00

A Woman was out golfing one
day when she hit the ball into the woods.

She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, 'If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three
wishes.'

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, 'Thank you, but I failed to
mention that there was a condition to your wishes.

Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!'

The woman said, 'That's okay.'

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her, 'You do realize that this wish will also make your husband
the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to'.

The woman replied, 'That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and
he will have eyes only for me.'

So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

The frog said, 'That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he
will be ten times richer than you.'

The woman said, 'That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is
mine.'

So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, 'I'd like a mild
heart attack.'

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

Attention female readers : This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here
and continue feeling good.

Male readers :
Please scroll down.

The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife.

Moral of the story : Women are really dumb but think they're really
smart.

Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that
women never listen…now run along and put the kettle on, there's a love!

Economy under different political systems -- updated version

2008-03-24T20:52:00.000-07:00

DEMOCRATIC You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
Barbara Streisand sings for you.

REPUBLICAN
You have two cows.

Your neighbor has none.

So?

SOCIALIST You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

COMMUNIST You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE You have two cows.
Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.

AMERICAN CORPORATION You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.

FRENCH CORPORATION You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.

JAPANESE CORPORATION You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

ITALIAN CORPORATION You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.

RUSSIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan , which are two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts.
You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.

IRAQI CORPORATION
You have two cows.
They go into hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing.
POLISH CORPORATION You have two bulls.
Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.

BELGIAN CORPORATION

You have one cow.
The cow is schizophrenic.
Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish.
The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow.
The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk.
The cow asks permission to be cut in half.
The cow dies happy.

FLORIDA CORPORATION You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one.
Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither.
Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best-looking cow.

CALIFORNIA CORPORATION

You have millions of cows.
They make real California cheese.
Only five speak English.
Most are illegals.
Arnold likes the ones with the big tits.

Why are you stopping???

2008-03-18T18:05:00.001-07:00

One night, after a couple had retired for the night, the woman became
aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual manner. He
started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her
back. He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly.
Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his
hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her
waist. He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the
other. His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs. His gentle
stroking then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and then
returned to do the same to her right thigh. By this time the woman was
becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to better position herself.
The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed.

'Why are you stopping'? she whispered.

He whispered back, ' I found the remote'.

Women's struggle with public toilets...

2008-03-18T16:37:00.000-07:00

When you have to visit a public toilet, you usually find a line of women, so you smile politely and take your place.

Once it's your turn, you check for feet under the cubicle doors. Every cubicle is occupied.

Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the cubicle. You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter, the wait has been so long you are about to wet your pants!

The dispenser for the modern 'seat covers' (invented by someone's Mum, no doubt) is handy, but empty. You would hang your bag on the door hook, if there was one, so you carefully, but quickly drape it around your neck, (Mum would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR!) down with your pants and assume ' The Stance..

In this position, your aging, toneless, thigh muscles begin to shake. You'd love to sit down, but having not taken time to wipe the seat or to lay toilet paper on it, you hold 'The Stance.'

To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser.

In your mind, you can hear your mother's voice saying, 'Dear, if you had tried to clean the seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!' Your thighs shake more.

You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday - the one that's still in your bag (the bag around your neck, that now you have to hold up trying not to strangle yourself at the same time). That would have to do, so you crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It's still smaller than your thumbnail.

Someone pushes your door open because the latch doesn't work.

The door hits your bag, which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest and you and your bag topple backward against the tank of the toilet.

'Occupied!' you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, while losing your footing altogether and sliding down directly onto the TOILET SEAT. It is wet of course. You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper - not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try.

You know that your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew, because you're certain her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, dear, 'You just don't KNOW what kind of diseases you could get.

By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire hose against the inside of the bowl and spraying a fine mist of water that covers your bum and runs down your legs and into your shoes.

The flush somehow sucks everything down with such force and you grab onto the empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too.

At this point, you give up. You're soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat. You're exhausted. You try to wipe with a sweet wrapper you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks.

You can't figure out how to operate the taps with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the line of women still waiting

You are no longer able to smile politely to them. A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe. (Where was that when you NEEDED it?)

You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it in the woman's hand and tell her warmly, 'Here, you just might need this.

As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used and left the men's toilet. Annoyed, he asks, 'What took you so long and why is your bag hanging around your neck?

This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with any public rest rooms/toilets (rest??? you've GOT to be kidding!!).

It finally explains to the men what really does take us so long. It also answers that other commonly asked question about why women go to the toilets in pairs.

It's so the other gal can hold the door, hang onto your bag and hand you Kleenex under the door.

This HAD to be written by a woman! No one else could describe it so accurately.

A Message from John Cleese - British comedian. To the citizens of the United States of America:

2008-03-04T16:20:00.000-08:00

A Message from John Cleese - British comedian:

To the citizens of the United States of America:

In light of your failure to nominate a competent candidate for President of
the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation
of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over
all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not
fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America
without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be
disbanded.

A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you
noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules
are introduced with immediate effect:

You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.

1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be
amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour' and
'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half
the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise'.

Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable
levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

------------------------

3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as
"like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.
The Microsoft spell- checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated
letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize.

-------------------

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

-----------------

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or
therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that
you're not adult enough to be independent.

Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort
things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not
grown up enough to handle a gun.

----------------------

6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more
dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to
carry a vegetable peeler in public.

----------------------

7. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start
driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric
with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both
roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of
humour.

--------------------

8. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been
calling gasoline)-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

-------------------

9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are
not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly
called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not
with catsup but with vinegar.

-------------------

10. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer
at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and
European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager.
South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest
sporting Nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part
of British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be
referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of
further confusion.

---------------------

11. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good
guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English
characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in "Four Weddings
and a Funeral" was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese
grater.

---------------------

12. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of
proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be
allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but
does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar
body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try Rugby - the South Africans and
Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.

---------------------

13. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an
event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America.
Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your
error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the
South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

--------------------

14. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

-----------------

15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's
Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due
(backdated to 1776).

---------------

16. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, with saucers,
and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus
strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God save the Queen

Sex in the Dark

2008-02-27T15:37:00.000-08:00

Sex in the Dark

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the
light.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down. and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device... a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.

She went completely ballistic. 'You impotent bastard,' She screamed at him, 'how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!'

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:
'I'll explain the toy . . . you explain the kids.'

Polish Divorce

2008-02-09T02:44:00.000-08:00

Subject: Polish Divorce

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American

girl. Although his English was NOT perfect, they got

along very well until one day he rushed into a

lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a

divorce for him.

The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on

the circumstances, and asked him the following

questions:

L: Have you any grounds?

P: Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.

L: No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?

P: It made of concrete.

L: I don't think you understand. Does either of you

have a real grudge?

P: No, we have carport, and not need one.

L: I mean. What are your relations like?

P: All my relations still in Poland

L: Is there any infidelity in your marriage?

P: We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.

L: Does your wife beat you up?

P: No, I always up before her.

L: Is your wife a nagger?

P: No, she white.

L: Why do you want this divorce?

P: She going to kill me.

L: What makes you think that?

P: I got proof.

L: What kind of proof?

P: She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at

drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read,

and it say: 'Polish Remover'

Burping and Enlightenment -- in Memory of Maharishi Mahesh Yogi

2008-02-07T14:29:00.000-08:00

BURPING AND ENLIGHTENMENT:

The Hidden Link

(A paper presented at the Last International Congress on Holonomic Divergence, Psycho-Physical Asynchronicities and the Nature of Unreality held in Sophia, Bulgaria, in 2006)

The connection between burping and enlightenment first struck me about 25 years ago as I sat listening to the divine words of His Battiness Mendashi Burpish Yogi. What I noticed was that every time he would mention the word "enlightenment", he would also emit an almost imperceptive, very "ethereal", as his followers assured me, but a definite burp.

A scientific study, conducted at my request at the Mendashi International University at Earth's End, Tasmania, showed that parasympathetic overstimulation found in enlightened persons leads to increased peristalsis and thus to a slight tendency to emit air from the upper gastrointestinal tract. The benefits of this phenomenon include lesser need to emit air from the lower gastrointestinal tract (a definite plus at crowded meditation retreats), the strengthening of the esophagus, and creation of valuable pauses which allow an enlightened person to think carefully before answering tricky questions posed by the press. When performed properly, it also gives him or her (usually him) an "air of importance."

The rate of burping (the term used by scientists is actually "eructation") was found to vary widely among enlightened individuals. The most enlightened person in the world, a recluse found in a cave in Upper Uttar Pradesh, burped at the rate of 20 per minute, a clear lead over the runner up from New Jersey, who only burped 15 times a minute. The Uttar Pradesh champion, when he finally broke his 50-year silence to enable him to take his teachings to the West, complained that the rice and chapatti given to him over the last few decades were always undercooked.

Another scientist at the MIU thought that he located a burping centre in the brain's hypothalamus, which he suitably termed "substantia eructa." When stimulated intracranially in humans, it caused burping, feelings of inexpressible bliss, and a strong erection. In cats it caused burping, purring, and an even stronger erection, which the scientists at MIU thought was a proof that cats can also get enlightened. "The erection connection", as it was termed, was found puzzling at first, but was finally explained by the close proximity of "substantia eructa" to brain's sexual centers. (Some even suggested that it should be renamed "substantia erecta.")

Since these first findings were published, sociologists noticed a much greater acceptance of burping among the general population. References to burping were found both in the Bible and in the Dead Sea Scrolls. Scholars have pointed out that both St. Teresa of Avila and St. John of the Cross were apparently inveterate burpers, as was St. Augustine. In the Bible, the sentence, "And if anyone gives even a cup of cold water to one of these little ones…", the "little ones" were thought to refer to the minute burps described above, cold water being a traditional home remedy against them.

In the US, an "enlightenment" or "soma" pill soon appeared on the black market under the name "Belchaid." It was soon banned by the FDA because of its supposed aphrodisiac qualities, but only after the FDA and the DEA staffs managed to stockpile sufficient amounts of it for themselves.

During the Presidential elections in the US in 2008 Senator McCain took a clear lead over other candidates primarily because of the frequency of his burping (some said that he was boasting a little). Barak Obama was second, with Hilary Clinton a distant third, unless prompted by her husband, well-known for his active substantia erecta.

Years earlier, Mendashi Burpish announced that people who were practicing his Transformational Burping (or TB) were "simultaneously helping to alleviate suffering and wars all over the world." "Every burp," he said, "is a step to a greater collective harmony and is equivalent to one less bullet and one less starving mouth." The scientists at MIU have calculated that with only 1% of the world's population practicing TB, and burping on the average 5 times a minute, the world would be free of hunger and violence in 10 years. Advanced burpers were sent to the main trouble spots of the world, while people were paying up to $1000 a week for techniques and courses which would increase their burping rate.

What appeared at first as a mere fad was gradually becoming a mainstream activity. A Harvard physician published an erudite book called "The Burping Response," which made the whole thing seem very respectable even to MDs. A leading social analyst in the US wrote a book called "Megaburp" which predicted the effects of mass burping on social structures of the world. A prominent physicist has also published "The Tao of Burping" which linked humble human eructations both to convulsions in the deep space and to the merry frolics of subatomic particles.

Unfortunately, the 2008 Wall Street collapse and the subsequent depression have shifted public attention to the more mundane realities of life. A pity. It would have been so much better if, as the poet has predicted, the world "would go not with a bang, but with a burp."

The buck stops in heaven!

2008-01-30T15:07:00.000-08:00

A young Man suffering from illness is hospitalised, and ends up in a private Catholic Hospital. The sister, a Nun,approaches and says: "Young Man, do u have private health cover"? to which the man replies in a weak voice: "Nooo"! "Do u have enough $$$ in ur bank account to pay for the treatment" she asks, and again the Man replies : " Nooo"!

The sister then questions him a further bit and asks : " Do u have anyone in ur family who can pay"?

To which the Man responds: "Well, I have a spinster sister,also a Nun, much older than I, but I don't know if she can pay?"

The Nun, agitated, raises her voice and screams out : "Don't call her a spinster! She's married to God"!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Man says: "OK please send the bill to my brother-in-law"

2008-01-26T15:14:00.000-08:00

Failure Now An Option

2008-01-23T22:46:00.000-08:00

Failure Now An Option

January 16, 2008 | Issue 44•03 The Onion www.theonion.com

WASHINGTON—In a stunning reversal of more than 200 years of conventional wisdom, failure—traditionally believed to be an unacceptable outcome for a wide range of tasks and goals—is now increasingly seen as a viable alternative to success, sources confirmed Tuesday.

"Americans have always been told that they should succeed at all costs," Emory University sociologist Dr. Lauren Hodge said. "But based on new evidence, this can no longer be called true—if, in fact, it ever was. As failure continues to dominate the American landscape, this mantra must be overruled."
Enlarge Image Failure Now An Option

"We have no choice but to revoke failure's non-optional status, effective immediately," Hodge continued. "Now all citizens will be able to step back, stare down the hardship and difficulty they will face in the pursuit of success, and say, 'Fuck that—this isn't worth it.'"

Overturning one of America's most cherished and oft-repeated aphorisms is expected to have far-reaching implications for the future of human ambition. Some predict that a majority of the U.S. populace will now opt out of its previous obligation to give it 110 percent, and, in the coming weeks and months, give as little as 45 percent. For underachieving Americans, that number is expected to drop to as low as 5 percent by March.

A recent Interior Department report found that, although failure was not officially an option until this Tuesday, there have in fact been hundreds of billions of cases of it over the past two centuries, culminating in Fort Collins, CO high school junior Tim Kemp's failing grade on a physics exam last month.

Many scholars now believe that such failures have historically been obscured by optimistic slogans and so-called positive thinking, neither of which, according to the report, has had a verifiable effect: Americans' overall failure rate went up nearly 2,350 percent over the past decade, with 1,435,643 instances of failure reported last Sunday alone.

"In retrospect, failure becoming an option was inevitable," historian Michael Lambeau said. "The only difference is that now Americans can choose, without fear of being ostracized by society, to quit long before getting ahead."
Enlarge Image Failure Chart

Lambeau predicted a substantial decrease in the number of everyday Americans who fear failure, and a dramatic rise in those who actually embrace the once-reviled stench of defeat and disappointment.

Other data seem to confirm the Interior Department's findings. A recent CBS News/New York Times poll revealed that 64 percent of Americans are "perfectly comfortable" with coming up just short, 43 percent are content to try only once rather than try, try again, and an overwhelming 95 percent admitted that after falling down, they now prefer to stay down.

Only 4 percent indicated having "some interest" in applying their balls to the wall.

Though the broad new trend touches all 300 million citizens, experts said that sports coaches, CEOs of large corporations, U.S. Army commanders overseeing large-scale military operations, and anyone who often starts sentences with the word "gentlemen" will be most affected.

While the ability to openly fail without detrimental consequence has been embraced by a majority of the population, some, such as social anthropologist Dr. Richard Groaten, claim it will have negative long-term effects for the country.

"Sixty years ago, even mentioning that you might willingly give it less than your all would have been unthinkable," Groaten said. "It's a disgrace that modern Americans are more inclined to simply not get going, especially when the said going could be classified as 'tough.'"

"I don't feel like doing this interview anymore," Groaten added.

Questions about Australia by foreigners

2008-01-21T23:27:00.000-08:00

These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humour

__________________________________________________

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK ).

A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

__________________________________________________

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA )

A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

__________________________________________________

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden )

A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

__________________________________________________

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia ? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane , Cairns ,Townsville and Hervey Bay ? ( UK )

A: What did your last slave die of?

__________________________________________________

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? ( USA )

A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe .
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not
.... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

__________________________________________________

Q: Which direction is North in Australia ? ( USA )

A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

_________________________________________________

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK )

A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

__________________________________________________

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )

A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is ...
oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

__________________________________________________

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK )

A: You are a British politician, right?

____________________________ ______________________

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? ( Germany )

A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers.
Milk is illegal .

__________________________________________________

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA )

A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from.
All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

__________________________________________________

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia , but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA )

A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.
You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

__________________________________________________

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? ( USA )

A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

__________________________________________________

Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male popula tion? ( Italy )

A: Yes, gay night clubs.

__________________________________________________

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? ( France )

A: Only at Christmas.

__________________________________________________

Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the Girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross*. Can you help? ( USA )

A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour..

__________________________________________________

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )

A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first

Bill Maher on Iraq pullout

2008-01-21T15:08:00.000-08:00

Another Chinese toy recalled

2007-12-05T23:44:00.000-08:00

U.S. Intelligence: Iran Possesses Trillions Of Potentially Dangerous Atoms

2007-11-16T00:59:00.000-08:00

http://www.theonion.com/content/news/u_s_intelligence_iran_possesses?utm_source=onion_rss_daily

Bill Maher on Government Drug Pushers and the need for preventive medicine

2007-11-03T15:37:00.000-07:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JEwjPqlcPUM

Australian Mosque Seeks Protection From Bikinis

2007-10-27T06:38:00.000-07:00

Australian Mosque Seeks Protection From Bikinis

From the Sidney Morning Herald:

Bikini versus burqini.

Mosque to get police guard for bikini rally

Taghred Chandab and Matthew Benns
December 3, 2006

POLICE have been asked to protect Australia’s largest mosque next weekend because of concerns that a bikini march staged to coincide with the anniversary of the Cronulla riots may get out of control.

The caretaker of Lakemba Mosque, the Lebanese Muslim Association, says it is taking no risks, requesting at least 32 police officers to protect the place of worship on Saturday and Sunday.

Association president Tom Zreik said he met police on several occasions to ensure there would be adequate numbers of officers present to defuse problems and arrest troublemakers.

"We are treating this as something that is funny and hilarious but also taking precautions," Mr Zreika said of the bikini march. "Some people may see this as provocation and the last thing that we want is to see anyone being attacked."

The organiser, Melbourne grandmother Christine Hawkins, has asked women nationally to dress in bikinis and colourful beachwear and rally outside large mosques to show their disgust at comments by leading Muslim cleric, Sheik Taj el-Din al Hilaly, who likened women to "uncovered meat".

A white supremacist website has promoted the march. Members of Sydney’s Muslim community began raising their concerns last week, with hundreds joining an internet discussion to find a "peaceful avenue" to protect their mosque.

Many Muslim women suggested joining the march in their hijabs and burqas to voice their outrage at comments made by Senator Bronwyn Bishop and Prime Minister John Howard about the way they dress. "We’re really asking people not to bother coming to the mosque," Mr Zreika said.

"All this is doing is degrading women and giving men a great excuse to have a perv. There are better ways women can express their concerns." …

It’s great the way some Australians are fighting back.

Brain Teaser

2007-10-26T19:20:00.000-07:00

>>
>> Brain Teaser
>>
>>
>> 3 men go into a motel.
>>
>> The man behind the desk said the room is $30 so each man paid $10
and
>> went
>> to the room.
>>
>> A while later the man behind the desk realised the room was only
$25
>>so
>> he
>> sent the bellboy to the 3 guy's room with $5.
>>
>> On the way the bellboy couldn't figure out how to split $5 evenly
>> between 3
>> men, so he gave each man $1 and kept the other $2 for himself.
>>
>> This meant that the men each paid $9 for the room, which is a
total of
>> $27,
>> add the $2 that the bellboy kept = $29.
>>
>> Where is the other dollar? Hmmm.....
>>

>>

Updated Work Safe equipment for Australian Conditions

2007-10-26T19:17:00.001-07:00

I love my job!!!

2007-10-26T19:05:00.001-07:00

I love my job, I love the pay.
I love it more and more each day.
I love my boss; he/she is the best.
I love his boss and all the rest.

I love my office and its location.
I hate to have to go on vacation.
I love my furniture, drab and gray,
And the paper that piles up every day.

I love my chair in my padded cell.
There's nothing else I love so well.
I love to work among my peers.
I love their leers and jeers and sneers.

I love my computer and its software;
I hug it often though it don't care.
I love each program and every file,
I try to understand once in a while.

I'm happy to be here, I am, I am;
I'm the happiest slave of my Uncle Sam.
I love this work; I love these chores.
I love the meetings with deadly bores.

I love my job-I'll say it again.
I even love these friendly men,
These men who've come to visit today
In lovely white coats to take me away.

Source of ‘optimism’ found in the brain -- I was wondering why I was playing with humor lately!

2007-10-25T19:01:00.000-07:00

http://www.newscientist.com/channel/being-human/dn12827?DCMP=NLC-nletter&nsref=dn12827

Make note: The many uses of Vodka, aside from drinking the ruddy stuff

2007-10-25T15:06:00.000-07:00

To remove a bandage painlessly, saturate the bandage with Vodka.
> > The solvent dissolves adhesive
> >
> > 2. To clean the caulking around bathtubs and showers, fill a
> > trigger-spray bottle with vodka, spray the caulking, let set five
> > minutes and wash clean.
> > The alcohol in the vodka kills mold and mildew
> >
> > 3. To clean your eyeglasses, simply wipe the lenses with a soft,
> > clean
>
> > cloth dampened with vodka. The alcohol in the vodka cleans the glass
> > and kills germs.
> >
> > 4. Prolong the life of razors by filling a cup with vodka and
> > letting your safety razor blade soak in the alcohol after shaving.
> > The vodka disinfects the blade and prevents rusting.
> >
> > 5. Spray vodka on vomit stains, scrub with a brush, and then blot
dry.
> >
> > 6. Using a cotton ball, apply vodka to your face as an astringent to
> > cleanse the skin and tighten pores.
> >
> > 7. Add a jigger of vodka to a 12-ounce bottle of shampoo. The
> > alcohol cleanses the scalp, removes toxins from hair, and stimulates
> > the growth of healthy hair.
> >
> > 8. Fill a sixteen-ounce trigger-spray bottle and spray bees or wasps
> > to kill them.
> >
> > 9. Pour one-half cup vodka and one-half cup water in a Ziploc
> > freezer bag and freeze for a slushy, refreshable ice pack for aches,
> > pain or black eyes.
> >
> >
> > 10. Fill a clean, used mayonnaise jar with freshly packed lavender
> > flowers, fill the jar with vodka, seal the lid tightly and set in
> > the sun for three days. Strain liquid through a coffee filter, then
> > apply the tincture to aches and pains.
> >
> > 11. To relieve a fever, use a washcloth to rub vodka on your chest
> > and
>
> > back as a liniment.
> >
> > 12. To cure foot odor, wash your feet with vodka.
> >
> > 13 Vodka will disinfect and alleviate a jellyfish sting.
> >
> > 14. Pour vodka over an area affected with poison ivy to remove the
> > urushiol oil from your skin.
> >
> > 15. Swish a shot of vodka over an aching tooth Allow your gums to
> > absorb some of the alcohol to numb the pain.
> >
> > And silly me. I've only been drinking the stuff!!!

Your Yearly Dementia Test

2007-10-25T02:59:00.000-07:00

Have fun!

Your Yearly Dementia Test

It's that time of year to take our annual senior citizen test.
Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As
we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't
use it, you lose it! Below is a very private way to gauge your loss
or non-loss of intelligence.
Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or not.
The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you've made
your answer.
OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.

1. What do you put in a toaster?

Answer: "bread." If you said "toast,"
give up now and do something else.
Try not to hurt yourself.
If you said, bread, go to Question 2.

2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk."
What do cows drink?

Answer: Cows drink water. If you said "milk," don't attempt the next
question. Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat. Content
yourself with reading a more appropriate literature such as Auto
World. However, if you said "water", proceed to question 3.

3 If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made
from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a
black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made
from?

Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said "green bricks,"
why are you still reading these???
If you said "glass," go on to Question 4.

4. It's twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet
over Germany (If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically
divided into West Germany and East Germany ) Anyway, during the
flight, two engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last
remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing
procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he can do so and the
plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of "no man's land" between
East Germany and West Germany . Where would you bury the
survivors? East Germany , West Germany , or no man's land"?

Answer: You don't bury survivors.
If you said ANYTHING else, you're a dunce and you must stop. If you
said, "You don't bury survivors", proceed to the next question.

5. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to
Milford Haven in Wales . In London , 17 people get on the bus. In
Reading , six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In
Swindon , two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff , 11 people
get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea , three people get off and
five people get on In Carmathen, six people get off and three get
on. You then arrive at Milford Haven.
What was the name of the bus driver?

Answer: Oh, for crying out loud!
Don't you remember your own name? It was YOU!!

Now pass this along to all your friends
and pray they do better than you.

PS: 95% of people fail most of the questions!!

Posted by Pyotr Patrushev at 2:56 AM 0 comments

Labels: blog, dementia, humor, patrushev, test

Your Brain and Your Memory in 3-D
Mapping Memory (NGM.com)

http://magma.nationalgeographic.com/ngm/2007-11/memory/brain-interactive.html

This month, National Geographic has a fascinating cover story on memory and why brains sometimes remember things and often forget. It starts off with a woman who remembers almost every minute of every day of her life since the age of 11, as well as a man whose brain, riddled by disease, knows nothing but the present.

After you read the article, be sure and check out the cool three-dimensional Mapping Memory graphic. It’s worth clicking around the entire image, but don’t miss the “forgetting” tab. It offers an unforgettable, albeit scary, glimpse of how memory loss progresses with age. The first image you’ll see is a flurry of synapses and flying neurons that represent a 16-year-old brain. Move the slider at the bottom of the frame to see how memory gradually declines with age. Another slider allows you to see the frightening progression of Alzheimer’s.

If you’re not too depressed, play the Memory Game. The game gives you 10 seconds to memorize the placement of nine tiles of different animals, landscapes, numbers or letters. The tiles scatter and you’re timed for how quickly and accurately you put them back. My first scores on all four games ranged from 7 seconds on the letters to 11 seconds for the scenery. Unfortunately, the site didn’t tell me if those scores are a sign of a healthy brain or one in decline.

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Barmaid in Western Australia titillates customers with displays of breast-kneeding prowess

2007-10-24T09:01:00.000-07:00

CANBERRA (Reuters) - An Australian barmaid has been fined for crushing beer cans between her bare breasts while an off-duty colleague has been fined for hanging spoons from her friend's nipples, police said Wednesday.
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Police in Western Australia said the 31-year old barmaid pleaded guilty in the local magistrate's court to twice exposing her breasts to patrons at the Premier Hotel in Pinjarra, south of the state capital, Perth.

The woman "is alleged to have also crushed beer cans between her breasts during one of the offences," in breach of hotel licensing laws, police from the Peel district of Western Australia said in a statement.

The barmaid and the hotel manager were both fined A$1,000 ($900), while an off-duty barmaid was fined A$500 for helping to hang spoons from the woman's nipples, police said.

"It sends a clear message to all licensees in Peel that we will not tolerate this type of behavior in our licensed premises," local police superintendent David Parkinson said.

The New US President: Ms. Hill-Billy!

2007-10-24T02:29:00.000-07:00

Women In Charge Of Everything -- Men's Essential Education

2007-10-24T02:17:00.000-07:00

WICOE
(Women In Charge Of Everything)
is proud to announce the opening of its
EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN!

ALL ARE WELCOME
OPEN TO MEN ONLY
Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will
accept a maximum of eight participants

The course covers two days, and topics
covered in this course include:

DAY ONE

HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS
Step by step guide with slide presentation

TOILET ROLLS- DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
Roundtable discussion

DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR
Practicing with hamper (Pictures and graphics)

DISHES &SILVERWARE; DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO KITCHEN SINK OR DISHWASHER BY
THEMSELVES?
Debate among a panel of experts.

REMOTE CONTROL
Losing the remote control - Help line and support groups

LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS
Starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house
upside down while screaming - Open forum

DAY TWO

EMPTY MILK CARTONS; DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE BIN?
Group discussion and role play

HEALTH WATCH; BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH
PowerPoint presentation

REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST
Real life testimonial from the one man who did

IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?
Driving simulation

LIVING WITH ADULTS; BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR
PARTNER
Online class and role playing

HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION
Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques

REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES & CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE
Bring your calendar or PDA to class

GETTING OVER IT; LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME
Individual counsellors available

Stephen Colbert on the new reality -- Wikiality!!!

2007-10-23T22:36:00.000-07:00

http://www.colbertondemand.com/videos/The_Word/The_Word_Wikiality

Steve Colbert runs for the President off the US in 2008!

2007-10-22T11:41:00.000-07:00

http://www.comedycentral.com/motherload/player.jhtml?ml_video=118597&is_large=true

Australian Citizenship Test

2007-10-18T02:05:00.000-07:00

Australian
Citizenship Test
The Australian citizenship test has been designed to assist people who want to become
Australian citizens gain an understanding of Australia’s values, traditions, history and national
symbols.
The test is an important part of ensuring that migrants have the capacity to fully participate in
the Australian community as citizens and maximise the opportunities available to them in
Australia. It will promote social cohesion and successful integration into the community.
Test Rules
There are some basic rules which you must follow during the test:
- Test is timed - You will be allowed 45 minutes to complete the test (or 90 minutes in
the case of an assisted test). No additional time will be made available.
- This is a closed book test - You must not bring any test resource material into the testing
centre (this includes note paper, the Becoming an Australian Citizen resource book,
study notes, etc).
- Personal belongings may be taken into the test site however these must be stored under
the desk for the duration of the test. Mobile phones and all other electronic
communication/gaming equipment should be switched off while you are within the test
centre.
If you do not follow these rules, you may be asked to leave the test centre and may have to sit
the test again.
Test Questions
You may begin writing only once you are advised to do so by the test supervisor.
(1) Do you understand the meaning, but are unable to explain the origin, of the term
“died in the arse”? Explain the meaning:
(2) What is a “bloody little beauty”?
(3) Are these terms related: chuck a sickie; chuck a spaz; chuck a U-ey?
Yes / No
TURN TO PAGE 2
2 CONFIDENTIAL
(4) Explain the following passage:
In the arvo last Chrissy the relos rocked up for a Barbie, some bevvies and a few
snags. After a bit of a Bex and a lie down we opened the pressies, scoffed all the
chockies, bickies and lollies. Then we drained a few tinnies and Mum did her block
after Dad and Steve had a Barney and a bit of biffo.
(5) Macca, Chooka and Wanger are driving to Surfers in their Torana. If they are
travelling at 100 km/h while listening to Barnsey, Farnsey and Acca Dacca, how
many slabs will each person on average consume between flashing a brown eye
and taking a slash?
(6) Complete the following sentences:
(a) If the van's rockin' don't bother ________________________________
(b) You're going home in the back of a _____________________________
(c) Fair crack of the ________________________________________
(7) I've had a gutful and I can't be farked. Discuss
(8) Have you ever been on the giving or receiving end of a wedgie?
Yes / No
(9) Do you have a friend or relative who has a car in their front yard "up on blocks"?
Is his name Bruce and does he have a wife called Cheryl?
Yes / No
(10) Do you or your family regularly eat a dish involving mincemeat, cabbage, curry
powder and a packet of chicken noodle soup called either chow mein, chop suey
or Kai see Ming?
Yes / No
TURN TO PAGE 3
3 CONFIDENTIAL
(11) What are the ingredients in a rissole?
(12) Describe the correct procedure for eating a Tim Tam.
(13) Do you have an Aunty Irene who smokes 30 cigarettes a day and sounds like a
bloke?
Yes / No
(14) In any two-hour period have you ever eaten three-bean salad, a chop and two
serves of pav washed down with someone else's beer that has been flogged from a
bath full of ice?
Yes / No
(15) When you go to a bring-your-own-meat Barbie can you eat other people's meat or
are you only allowed to eat your own?
(16) What purple root vegetable beginning with the letter "b" is required by law to be
included in a hamburger with the lot?
(17) Do you own or have you ever owned a lawn mower, a pair of thongs, an Esky or
Ugg boots?
Yes / No
(18) Is it possible to prang a car while doing circle work?
Yes / No
(19) Who would you like to crack on to?
(20) Who is the most Australian (pick one answer):
(a) Kevin "Bloody" Wilson
(b) John "True Blue" Williamson
(c) Kylie Minogue
(d) Warnie
TURN TO PAGE 4
4 CONFIDENTIAL
(21) Is there someone you are only mates with because they own a trailer or have a
pool?
Yes / No
(22) What do the phrases “sinkin piss at a mates joint” and “gettin paraletic” mean?
Please submit this paper back to the test supervisor when you have had a fair crack.

Multicultural cabin service

2007-10-09T19:37:00.000-07:00

Cabin service.

A Muslim was seated next to an Australian on a flight from London to Melbourne, Australia.

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Aussie asked for a rum and coke, which was brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Muslim if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."

The Aussie handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too. I didn't know we had a choice."

Presidents in drag

2007-10-06T05:57:00.000-07:00

http://presidentsindrag.blogspot.com/

Monday, May 08, 2006

Presidents in Drag

I got these in an email and wanted to share them..

Evangelical Scientists Refute Gravity With New 'Intelligent Falling' Theory

2007-09-30T19:53:00.000-07:00

Evangelical Scientists Refute Gravity With New 'Intelligent Falling' Theory

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KANSAS CITY, KS—As the debate over the teaching of evolution in public schools continues, a new controversy over the science curriculum arose Monday in this embattled Midwestern state. Scientists from the Evangelical Center For Faith-Based Reasoning are now asserting that the long-held "theory of gravity" is flawed, and they have responded to it with a new theory of Intelligent Falling.

Enlarge Image

Rev. Gabriel Burdett explains Intelligent Falling.

"Things fall not because they are acted upon by some gravitational force, but because a higher intelligence, 'God' if you will, is pushing them down," said Gabriel Burdett, who holds degrees in education, applied Scripture, and physics from Oral Roberts University.

Burdett added: "Gravity—which is taught to our children as a law—is founded on great gaps in understanding. The laws predict the mutual force between all bodies of mass, but they cannot explain that force. Isaac Newton himself said, 'I suspect that my theories may all depend upon a force for which philosophers have searched all of nature in vain.' Of course, he is alluding to a higher power."

Founded in 1987, the ECFR is the world's leading institution of evangelical physics, a branch of physics based on literal interpretation of the Bible.

According to the ECFR paper published simultaneously this week in the International Journal Of Science and the adolescent magazine God's Word For Teens!, there are many phenomena that cannot be explained by secular gravity alone, including such mysteries as how angels fly, how Jesus ascended into Heaven, and how Satan fell when cast out of Paradise.

The ECFR, in conjunction with the Christian Coalition and other Christian conservative action groups, is calling for public-school curriculums to give equal time to the Intelligent Falling theory. They insist they are not asking that the theory of gravity be banned from schools, but only that students be offered both sides of the issue "so they can make an informed decision."

"We just want the best possible education for Kansas' kids," Burdett said.

Proponents of Intelligent Falling assert that the different theories used by secular physicists to explain gravity are not internally consistent. Even critics of Intelligent Falling admit that Einstein's ideas about gravity are mathematically irreconcilable with quantum mechanics. This fact, Intelligent Falling proponents say, proves that gravity is a theory in crisis.

"Let's take a look at the evidence," said ECFR senior fellow Gregory Lunsden."In Matthew 15:14, Jesus says, 'And if the blind lead the blind, both shall fall into the ditch.' He says nothing about some gravity making them fall—just that they will fall. Then, in Job 5:7, we read, 'But mankind is born to trouble, as surely as sparks fly upwards.' If gravity is pulling everything down, why do the sparks fly upwards with great surety? This clearly indicates that a conscious intelligence governs all falling."

Critics of Intelligent Falling point out that gravity is a provable law based on empirical observations of natural phenomena. Evangelical physicists, however, insist that there is no conflict between Newton's mathematics and Holy Scripture.

"Closed-minded gravitists cannot find a way to make Einstein's general relativity match up with the subatomic quantum world," said Dr. Ellen Carson, a leading Intelligent Falling expert known for her work with the Kansan Youth Ministry. "They've been trying to do it for the better part of a century now, and despite all their empirical observation and carefully compiled data, they still don't know how."

"Traditional scientists admit that they cannot explain how gravitation is supposed to work," Carson said. "What the gravity-agenda scientists need to realize is that 'gravity waves' and 'gravitons' are just secular words for 'God can do whatever He wants.'"

Some evangelical physicists propose that Intelligent Falling provides an elegant solution to the central problem of modern physics.

"Anti-falling physicists have been theorizing for decades about the 'electromagnetic force,' the 'weak nuclear force,' the 'strong nuclear force,' and so-called 'force of gravity,'" Burdett said. "And they tilt their findings toward trying to unite them into one force. But readers of the Bible have already known for millennia what this one, unified force is: His name is Jesus."

Comics of Vaudeville days. Jewish Schtick: the old Jewish Catskill Here are some examples

2007-09-19T04:01:00.000-07:00

There was a beautiful young woman knocking on my hotel room door all night!

I finally had to let her out.

A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living."

I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!

What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she's making love?

"Honey, I'm home!"

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night, only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.

She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the

mud fell off.

I was just in London - there is a 6-hour time difference. I'm still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel

hungry.

The doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.

The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back."

Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"

Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!"

Patient: "I AM 60!"

Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?"

A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?"

The doctor answers "That's what puzzles me!"

Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears."

Doctor: "Don't answer!"

A drunk was in front of a judge.

The judge says, "You've been brought here

for drinking."

The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."

A bum asked a Jewish fellow, "Give me $10 till payday."

The Jewish fellow responded, "When's payday?"

The bum said, "I don't know! You're the one

that's working!"

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.

Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of.

Live well, Laugh often, & Love with all of your heart!

1. The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact that Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now.

2. There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from

medical school.

3. Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink?

A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.

4. Q: Have you seen the newest Jewish-American-Princess horror movie?

A: It's called "Debbie Does Dishes."

5 Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?

A: They never let anyone finish a sentence.

6. Q: What's a Jewish American Princess's favorite position?

A: Facing Bloomingdales.

7. A man called his mother in Florida , "Mom, how are you?"

"Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak." The son said, "Why are you so weak?"

She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."

The son said, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?"

The mother answered. "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call."

8. A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play.

She asks, "What part is it?

The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband." The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher

you want a speaking part."

9. Q: Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife?

A: Under the vacuum cleaner.

10. Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: (Sigh) "Don't bother. I'll sit in the dark. I don't want to be a nuisance to anybody."

11. Short summary of every Jewish holiday:

They tried to kill us, we won, let's eat.

12. Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street and said "Lady, I haven't eaten in three days."

"Force yourself," she replied.

13. Q: What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother?

A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.